The Ups and Downs Of Crossdressing
by ManicThrifts
Summary: Adopted from foxglove's.fingerhold. "The host club's story gets a little revamp...Haruhi is a guy, the Lobelia school is a all-boy's boot camp, and Tamaki still has a crush on his Haru-chan!" One of the rare male!Haruhi stories.
1. Chapter 1

**ManicThrifts: I'm re-writing this story, but I'll leave in foxglove's original author's notes.**

**EDIT: Ix-nay on that, apparently. She said to take the first AN out. So, it's gone :D**

...

"It'd be a miracle if you could find any more rich heirs at a mafia convention…"

Haruhi's shoulders slumped as he 'indiscreetly' mumbled the insult at all of the students he had passed by. He was trudging down one of his school's twisting halls, dragging his feet behind him.

From floor to ceiling, everything was magnificently displayed; ranging from the lush, velvety drapes, to the diamond-encrusted nameplates sitting atop every desk. The whole building practically oozed luxury. It was like a classy five star hotel-just without the lion bath faucets.

"Wait…now that I think about it, didn't the pattern on the toilet seats look kind of like cats…?" His head fell dejectedly. "Still, I should at least be able to find a place to study in such an enormous place…but every room is already full, not to mention noisy. Isn't there a single one left?"

Sighing heavily, Haruhi approached another of the many dead ends he had begun to despise as he navigated his school. He rested his forehead on his palm, checking the time. "This isn't getting me anywhere…I'd better just head back to class." And he was about to do just that, until the glint of a golden handle caught his eye.

"Eh? An unused room?" Haruhi sidled up against the door and pressed his ear to its surface. It met with silence.

_Whoa…it's actually quiet inside…_ After taking a step back, his gaze wandered to the small sign above the entrance. "'The Third Music Room', huh?" He read aloud. "Well, I guess this is probably the only place I can study in peace…" His fingers wound their way around the door knob, carefully pushing it open.

And just as Fujioka Haruhi thought his day couldn't possibly get any worse, he met the Ouran High School Host Club.

…

"_This exquisite private school, Ouran Academy, is a paradise to the common man: sparing no expense in keeping anything and everything we have of the highest class. Our prestigious ways therefore make us known by two standards; first, distinguished families, respected by rich and poor alike, and second, those graced with great wealth. As is obvious, such fortunate people often find themselves with minimally busy schedules. Thus, this host club is created for one purpose: gentlemen who wish to spend their excess time keeping company with similarly unoccupied young ladies…while consequently profiting from them.  
>So we welcome everyone to join in the festivities of this unique and classy gathering-the Ouran High School Host Club!"<em>

"Ho-Host Club?" Haruhi slithered up against the wall. _This has...this has got to be the worst possible situation ever...! If their job is to play around with all the girls that come by here, then I'm totally, completely, and utterly-"_

"Ah, it looks like a newcomer!"

Haruhi's face blanched. _"-screwed." _

Six beautiful young men stood facing him, seemingly trained poses almost picturesque. Each was unique in appearance, with strangely specific traits to suit a gaggle of different kinds of girls. Haruhi stared at them openly. _Wow...It's an otaku's dream…a live-action reverse harem. The only problem is that I'm not a girl, and this is turning out to be more of a nightmare..._

"Hime-sama." The melodramatic voice brought him out of his thoughts. "You look lost, like a young blossoming flower fallen from the branches of a sakura tree… Please, let us help you…find your way…"

Shivers shot down Haruhi's spine. _What an_ _egocentric playboy… _His head swung up so he could find the idiot that said that…that…_line_. And at only one glance, he knew exactly who the culprit was. Golden blonde hair…an actor's watery violet eyes…and an apparently serious Prince Charming complex…it had to be him.

"Come on…even if you're going to be formal, Tamaki-dono-"

"-you should get your lazy butt out of the imaginary throne you're sitting on and greet our guest personally."

A pair of redheads stepped out from behind their king's shadow. They were extremely-no, a better word would be 'confusingly'-similar in looks. Almost living photocopies of each other. And in addition to that, they appeared to be the type to use that to their advantage.

One of the two began approaching Haruhi, closing in on him with long, drawn-out strides. Haruhi started to panic. _How am I supposed to get out of this…? Maybe it would have been a good idea just to give _that_ up so I could avoid these kinds of problems..._

You see, Haruhi is not just your average high school student: he's the smartest kid in his class, always answering questions no one else can even fathom. He's athletic and talented at sports, and even good-looking to boot. But more than that, he has a hobby that causes him a bit of trouble now and then.

Haruhi is a full-time cross-dresser…that somehow manages to wear girl's clothing every day.

Normally you should be able to tell that a guy is a guy right away, right? If that was the case, Haruhi wouldn't have to go through such troubles. But unfortunately, the looks that he was born with are that of a bishounen...and an especially attractive one at that. His face, body, skin, and voice are all feminine, so most people mistake him for a girl even when he wears more scruffy clothing. Which is exactly what is happening at the moment.

"H-hey…What are you…?" Haruhi cringed as he was backed into a corner. The boy in front of him grinned devilishly, pulling a rose out from seemingly nowhere. "Now, now, don't be so afraid, hime-sama. It's your first time with us, isn't it? We'll play real nice with you…" He brushed the petals over his lips. Haruhi's cheeks flushed hotly. _Just what kind of perverted games are you playing at…? _

The other twin sauntered up to his brother, lazily throwing an arm around his shoulders. "Hikaru, be nice. Can't you see that the poor thing is nervous?" He bowed slightly and conjured a flower of his own. "I apologize if my brother scared you. He just loves meeting our beautiful new customers."

"Hikaru and Kaoru…" The calculating voice caught Haruhi's attention. He turned to see that it was a polished looking boy with dark hair and glasses who spoke. "This young lady is in your class, correct?"

"That's right, Kyouya-sempai. But we don't know much about her, since she doesn't quite fit in with everyone…"

The young man grinned, a smug look of recognition dawning on his face. "That's quite rude, actually. Welcome to the Ouran host club, miss special student."

Tamaki popped up in front of Kyouya, bug-eyed from shock. "What? So this is the new exceptional special student, Fujioka Haruhi-san?"

Haruhi felt a chill ran down his body. "How do you…know my name?" _I can't believe it! They found me out already…?_

Kyouya adjusted his glasses. "The way this school functions typically makes it hard for commoners to get in. Therefore, it's pretty difficult for you to be accepted unless you spend _all_ of your time studying."

"Yes-so in other words, you are a heroine, Fujioka-san!" Tamaki strolled over to Haruhi's side, placing a hand on his shoulder. "Because someone with as many troubles at home as you, like not even being able to afford a decent day's dinner, is still at the top of your class! You may be discriminated against...treated like a lowly civilian…"

Haruhi inched towards the other side of the room. "Ah…but I'm not as bad off as you say…"

Tamaki rushed after him, taking his hand. "Why not? Why not just say so? I'll shout it to the heavens: all hail poverty! So welcome to this world of elegance, pauper-san!"

Haruhi's face went blank. "Excuse me." He said blandly, attempting to escape through the door. But before he could make it through, a little blonde chibi caught his arm.

"Haru-chan, Haru-chan!" He sang, dragging Haruhi back inside. "So you're a heroine? That's amazing!" Haruhi studied his innocent expression. He looked like a grade school student at tops, so why was he in such a club? And were those flowers floating around his face?

"I'm not a heroine, just a special student." He paused for a moment, frowning irritably. "Wait...nobody said you could call me 'Haru-chan'!"

Tamaki slipped over, a hand on his chin in thought. "So our hime-sama is a little feisty. I wonder what kind of host you fancy."

"...Excuse me?"

"Yes…how about it? Do you go for the wild type? Loli-shota type? Little-devil type? Cool type? Or maybe..." Haruhi's face went completely white when Tamaki's fingers slipped under his jaw. "…you'd like to try me out. Wanna go?"

Something in Haruhi's mind snapped and he shot back violently, wrenching away from his captor's grasp.

As he turned to face the direction he flung himself in, Haruhi stumbled into a pedestal that conveniently stood in his way. The pillar happened to have something very, very expensive and very, very breakable sitting on top, so when he hit it, the item was sent plummeting to the ground. He reached out to catch it before it hit the floor, but his fingers barely missed, and it shattered at the impact.

"Ah…" Haruhi could only just look at the mess he had created. And stare. And stare even more.

The twins loomed over his back. "Oh dear...it looks like you broke Rene's vase, the highlight of our upcoming auction."

"And it was supposed to get us over eight million yen, too…what a waste."

_"_Eight…MILLION?" Haruhi felt his hands grow clammy. _Eight…eight million yen…how many thousands is that...? Eight...mill...ion..._

He turned around slowly, hanging on to the pedestal for dear life. "Um...about paying for this..."

"You can't, can you?" The twins chimed in. "Since you couldn't afford a uniform..." Haruhi sucked in a breath. _No...I can't..._

Kyouya pick of a piece of the vase and fingered it. "What should we do, Tamaki?"

Haruhi watched in fear as the host club's king gallantly threw a hand out. "It may be true that she has broken our vase...and it's costs are quite a problem...but we must find a way to help Fujioka-san settle this! Hime, do you happen to have any particular interests or hobbies you are good at?"

Haruhi lay a finger on his lips, pondering the question. "Well...I do cook a lot at home, since my mother doesn't know how..."

"I see, I see! Well then, hime-sama, I have a proposition for you. So that you don't force your poor mother to pay off your debt...you will work here, as the host club's personal chef!"

He paled. "Personal...chef?"

_Father, this is terrible! I...I've captured by this weird host club...what am I supposed to do now?_

And poor Haruhi promptly fainted from shock.

A/N: I wrote a few words in Japanese here, (sorry, couldn't help it xD) so I should probably list those-

Hime/hime-sama: Princess  
>Otaku: Someone who is overly obsessed with something, typically things like games, tv shows, or manga.<br>Sakura: Cherry blossom  
>-dono: Honorific meaning 'lord'-shows great respect. A step higher than '-sama'. (but for Hika-chan and Kao-chan it's not exactly respectful...)<br>Bishounen: Pretty boy XD  
>Chibi: Little kid<br>Loli-shota: Calling someone a 'Shota-con' or 'Loli-con' shows a complex for a child under the age of 17.  
>-san: Honorific meaning Mr. or Ms.<br>-chan: Honorific usually used for girls-gives a child-like feeling.  
>-sempai: Honorific meaning 'upperclassman'<br>-sama: Honorific that shows respect-a step higher than '-san'.

Please tell me if I missed anything! o_o

**ManicThrifts: Okay, that was her chapter one. I copied it over so people don't have to search and swap to find chapters.**


	2. Chapter 2

**ManicThrifts: As stated in chapter one, I'm just copying at the moment. My part **starts** next chapter!**

**A/N:** Hey guys! I know it's been...well, more than a while. I appreciate the support I've gotten for this fic so much; when I first wrote this, I lacked (and still have struggle with) the maturity to finish things. I'm so sorry I left a lot of you hanging with the promise of more, as I know how disappointing unfinished fics can be.

I found this old thing amongst a bunch of other documents, and being 14 pages of work, I thought it would be silly not to just post it. It's quite embarrassing to read this after so long, as it is riddled with errors and awful Japanglish, but if you find at least some enjoyment in it, I'll be really happy. I have no intention of completing this fic, but if anyone else would like to pick it up, you're absolutely welcome to. Happy reading, and lots of love to everyone!

* * *

><p>The tinkling laughter of young ladies rang throughout the Third Music Room, otherwise known as the Ouran Host Club's gathering place. They had opened for the day, and quite a few customers had come to be entertained by their favorite boys. The hosts had prepared the perfect setting: elegant simplicity, like a single red rose. The gentle brush of skin against skin, words whispered sweeter than sugar, and the closeness of two pairs of lush lips…it all created the atmosphere of young romance.<p>

"Tamaki-kun," The soft voice of a young woman began. "What kind of music do you like?" Her words held a slight tremble, as if she were addressing someone important.

A hearty chuckle met her ears. The sophisticated tone had surely been that of a noble, if not royalty. "Of course, it is the song of our memories that we both hold dear."

Another hesitantly reached out, fearing rejection. "I baked you a cake today…would you try it?"

"If you'd be so kind as to let me." was the reply she was given, as the receiver cradled her chin in their fingers.

"Oh my, Tamaki-kun…" She breathed, swooning over the touch.

Tamaki Suoh, the club's king and most popular host, was teasing his guests as he pleased. His princely shtick had them eating out of his hands, so he was having a grand old time playing with them.

"Tamaki-sama…I've heard about it." A delicate hand set down a cup of tea. It belonged to a refined young lady with eyes as cold as their metallic color.

"Hm?" Tamaki turned to face her.

"You have taken in a little stray cat, have you not?"

He smiled. "Ah yes, her. Well, I'm not sure whether it would be more proper to call her a cat or something more like a tiger…" The prince paused as his gaze strayed toward the room's back door, currently of which Haruhi Fujioka was occupying. "Well, speak of the devil, here she comes."

Haruhi was clutching desperately to the trays that he was carrying, begging the plates not to slide off. Since he had first visited the host club and accidentally broken a vase worth over 8 million yen, he had been forced to work as the club's cook and waiter…or waitress, of sorts.

"Nee-san, could you bring a couple snacks for us?" Tamaki sang, waving Haruhi over.

He grimaced. "N…nee-san?" _Hime-sama was bad enough, but nee-san? _

Still, Haruhi gritted his teeth and did as he was told. _Bear with it! You have a big debt on your back, and working anywhere else wouldn't even pay as much as this… _He shuddered. _And at least there aren't any old pedophiles here, like that okama bar I almost got roped into…_

As he placed a serving in front of each guest, Haruhi watched their reactions turn from excited to pondering to just plain confused.

"Is something wrong?"

"No, but…may I ask what this is?" Tamaki pulled a long, thin stick out of his dessert.

Haruhi gaped. "You don't know what pocky is?"

A few girls sitting across from him tilted their heads. "Pocky?"

He nodded. "They're biscuit sticks coated in chocolate that you serve with desserts. There's even a game you can play with them, but…that's…" His voice dropped.

_Kami-sama, if you're really out there, please spare me the humiliation of answering…just don't let him ask-_

"…and that would be?"

_I'm so skipping Christmas service this year. _"Well, usually it's played between a couple…one person puts the first end in their mouths, the other takes the second…and they keep eating until they…kiss."

The guests' mouths fell open. They huddled up to whisper amongst themselves.

"Oh my, so it's true then…"

"I can't believe it…"

"Commoners really do have to resort to such trickery to find love!" They all nodded fiercely.

A few members of the host club and several more girls crowded around behind Tamaki to see.

"I see…so this is a pauper's wisdom." Vice president Kyouya's tone remained mechanical even when expressing interest.

Hikaru and Kaoru plucked the pocky out of Tamaki's hand. They studied the strange little confection.

"Wow, such a simple way of thinking…"

They both gazed at each other until Hikaru smirked. "Ne, Kaoru…" He purred, low and sultry.

"W-what is it, nii-san?" Kaoru's voice wavered as his brother's fingers trailed up his neck and chin to his lips. They had already earned the rapt attention of half of the room by that point.

"Do you want to try it…together?"

The younger's cheeks heated in a blush. "Hi-Hikaru! How could you? Doing it in front of everyone…" His eyes welled up with bulging tears. "Isn't that kind of thing supposed to be special? Between you and me…"

Hikaru placed his hands on his twin's cheeks, leaning down closer to him. "I'm sorry, Kaoru…you looked so cute all flustered like that…so I just…" He turned his head away, unable to hold his brother's gaze.

Kaoru's eyes widened. "Hikaru…"

Squeals that could easily pass for pigs erupted from the nearest table. "Aah! It's the beautiful brotherly love!" The fangirls clutched each other's hands tightly in a mutual breakdown.

Haruhi mentally slapped himself when he felt his heart flutter a little. _Just because I look like a girl doesn't mean I act like one… _He sucked in a breath. _Or that means I'm…gay?_

The thought left in such a state of shock that he didn't hear the pretty young woman Tamaki had been sitting with speak.

"The host club is playing around too much. It's ridiculous to think that something prepared by a mere commoner…" She smiled cruelly. "…would ever suit their tastes."

"Eh?" Haruhi pulled himself out of his thoughts.

"Please excuse me…I was talking to myself."

"Ah…" He nodded and headed off to fetch more refreshments.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki called across the room. "This pocky stuff is delicious! Is it true there are other flavors?"

He laughed. "Yes, there's strawberry, green tea, coconut, and quite a few-"

Haruhi froze in mid sentence when an ominous feeling rushed over his body.

_Did someone…just glare at me? _

He whipped around to see who might have been so furious with him, but was distracted by the pair entering through the door.

"Sorry, I'm late!" A cute, young looking boy rode on the shoulders of his contrastingly tall and seemingly more serious friend.

"Ah, Honey-kun and Mori-kun! We've been waiting for so long!" A couple fans whined.

"Sorry…" Honey smiled, looking a bit dazed while Mori set him down. "I fell asleep while I was waiting for Takashi at the kendo club." He rubbed his teary eyes as he and Mori sat next to their guests. "I guess I'm still a little sleepy…"

"Oh…" The girls blushed as his adorable antics. "He's so cute!" They cried.

Haruhi stared at him in disbelief. The girls were fawning over him like a baby. "Is he really a senior?"

"His appearance is deceiving; Honey-sempai is actually a brilliant student." Kyouya strode up next to Haruhi. "And I'd say that Mori-sempai's selling point would be his reticence."

"I see…" Haruhi said sullenly. And as if on cue, before he even had time to notice, Honey flew over and grabbed him by the arm. "Ha-ru-chan!" He sang, spinning him around in circles. Haruhi felt sick when he was finally let go of. "Want to eat cake with us, Haru-chan?"

His head swung back and forth as Haruhi tried to calm his dizziness. "No thanks, I'm not really fond of sweets…"

Honey looked up at him with big eyes. "Then…how about I lend you my Usa-chan?"

"No, I don't really like bunnies much either…"

He pouted. "You mean you don't like my Usa-chan?" Honey held up the plushie for Haruhi to see. It was an adorable stuffed animal, with sweet little button eyes and a tiny threaded mouth. Haruhi thought he might have even seen it blush.

"It is really cute…I'd probably be teased for saying that." He smiled, taking it into his hands. Honey looked surprised for a moment, then grinned and ran back over to the couches. "Take good care of it, okay?" He said gleefully.

Kyouya held one of his many folders in his hand, loosely threading his arms together. "Our club truly is excellent at utilizing everyone's unique traits…as our policy is to satisfy all of our customer's needs." He fell silent, eyes trailing the room until they fell upon a certain golden blonde. "By the way, I don't think I told you-Tamaki is our number one host, or in other words, the king. He gets 70% of the customer's designations." They both watched as he flirted hopelessly with the guests.

"I guess the end of the world is here, huh?"

Kyouya smirked at him. "I also should mention that, since your debt is 8 million yen, you'll have to be our slave until graduation." He paused to correct himself. "Ah, my apologies. You'll be taking care of the cooking and such. You're free to run away, but I'm afraid my family has about a hundred private policemen that are well trained and unlikely to show mercy." He pushed his glasses up. "Do you…understand your situation, Haruhi-_kun_?"

Haruhi went pale._ He knows. He totally knows, and he's rubbing it in my face._

"Don't be so harsh! The poor girl didn't mean any harm." Tamaki appeared out of nowhere, his arm sneaking around Haruhi's shoulders. "Right, hime-sama?" He breathed into his ear.

The victim jumped a couple feet into the air. "Don't do that!" Haruhi complained, rubbing a finger in the contaminated spot.

"You know, if you're so brutish about everything, you'll never be able to get a boyfriend." Tamaki scolded.

Haruhi tucked Honey's Usa-chan under his arm."Well, I'm not fundamentally interested in that kind of thing."

The king was astounded. "What are you talking about? Don't you feel that longing, the deep beat of the heart in your chest, when you see a beautiful man like me? We are drawn to each other; you should feel that pull, too!"

Haruhi shook his head. "But it doesn't really matter, does it? Men and women and looks…it's important what's inside a person, more than anything. That's why I can't understand these kinds of clubs."

"It's such a terrible thing…" Tamaki exclaimed, throwing his arms around himself. "When someone can't find love. So I can understand the feeling of consoling yourself…because you wouldn't be able to live without that comfort."

A bead of sweat fell down Haruhi's face. "What?"

"But think about this carefully. Why did god create Adam and Eve? Yes, he planned for us to be together from the beginning!"

Haruhi tuned him out, drawing back into his thoughts. _What's the best word for these kinds of people? …let's see…_

"-thus, for the people who long for love, I created the host club, working day and night to pursue this feeling! It may be difficult with your tomboyish personality…"

_Ah…what was it again? Hmm…_

"Still, let me pass on my knowledge to a beautiful young lady like you. When setting down a cup of tea, make sure to put your pinky down first as a cushion. That way you won't spill it or make a loud sound."

…_Troublesome? No, that's not it…there's something more accurate for this…_

"Isn't it classier this way? Ladies should always be well-mannered and gentle. So then afterwards, at the best moment…" He walked over to Haruhi and stood beside him. "A young man will approach you from a lower angle like this…"

"Ah, I remembered!" He said, pounding a fist into his palm.

"Didn't your heart beat a little faster-"

"Obnoxious!"

Tamaki went white as a ghost, confining himself to a corner of the room as a cold wind swept over his form.

"Um…Tamaki-sempai?" Haruhi asked dully.

He flinched as he heard the simultaneous laughter of the Hitachiin brothers from behind. "I guess you really are a heroine!" They praised, each taking one of his hands in victory.

_Such frustrating people…_

"Sorry. I _was_ a bit touched by it." Haruhi lied.

Tamaki stood, regaining his color tenfold. "I see, I see! Well then, let me teach you even more of the basics!" A glow seemed to be surrounding his form.

_He sure recovered fast._

"Dono…" Kaoru put a hand to his forehead, closing his eyes.

"It's 'King'!"

Hikaru picked up where his brother left off. "Why are you training her like this? This is a _host _club, not a manners class…"

"I know that! But still, all members of the host club should look presentable…"

He put a hand to his chin. "So to keep to that standard…maybe we should give her a head-to-toe makeover as well! What do you think?"

The other hosts debated over it.

"She might attract a few guys to the club…"

"Girls, too…"

"And that way we can take advantage of an untapped market…"

"I think it's a great idea!"

After they all had agreed to it, Tamaki snapped his fingers.

"Well then, Hikaru, Kaoru!"

"Yes, sir!" They swept Haruhi up into a princess hold, bolting out of the room. Tamaki went into leader mode, ordering around the host members.

"Kyouya, call the hair designer! Mori-sempai, find the best make-up artist you can!"

"Tama-chan, what about me?" Honey interrupted excitedly.

"Honey-sempai, you…"

"Yeah, yeah?" His eyes glittered in anticipation.

"…eat the desserts for us, please."

Honey returned to his table in a cloud of gloom. "Why am I always the one left behind?"

Meanwhile, Hikaru and Kaoru were practically throwing Haruhi into a dressing room.

"Here, wear this!" They said, closing in on Haruhi like prey. A feminine yellow dress was shoved in his face.

"Eh, eh?" Haruhi backed up, putting his arms out.

"No questions!" The twins yelled forcefully, and pounced on him.

The rustling of their fight could be heard from almost all the way down the hall.

"Stop it! Hey, what do you think you're doing? All right, I'll wear it! Just get off of me!" He shoved them off. _You'd think that guys would have a little more respect for someone they thought was a girl, even though I am a 'commoner'…_

Haruhi lost his grip on common sense and started undressing himself.

"Stupid host club…acting like pigs…I am a human being, you know…and why won't this zipper work?" He gruffly pointed at his back. "Could one of you two get this for me?"

They blushed profusely. "U-um, Haruhi-san…I don't know if that's…proper…"

Haruhi sighed, putting his hands on his hips. "What, you'll happily jump a freshman girl, but you're afraid of seeing a guy's naked bo…dy…" He stopped.

"Ah…um…just kidding?"

Hikaru and Kaoru stared blankly for a moment, until a pair of sinister grins took over their without a word, they both left the room.

On their way to gather up the other host members, a few words were spoken between them.

"Well, well…it looks like nee-san is a nii-san after all. What a shame."

"Quite. Do you think we should tell Dono about this?"

"Nah…let's see how this all plays out."

"I agree."

.x.

The sun was starting to set, and Haruhi's makeover had finally come to an end. Everyone was standing outside his changing room, awaiting the new and improved Haruhi.

"Um…sempai…" He began.

Tamaki lifted his head. "Oh, so you're finished putting it on?"

"Yeah, but…" Haruhi pulled the curtain to the side, revealing his newly remade look. "Is it really okay for me to take this outfit?"

The boy had been completely dolled up. His hair was cut cleanly and softly layered, a thin coat of makeup had been dusted on his face, and a girl's uniform fell gently over his form. Now, more than ever, Haruhi pass for a girl: and not just a plain girl, but a pretty one.

"Ahh…you look so adorable in that! Just like a real princess!" Tamaki exclaimed, shedding tears of joy as he clasped his hands together.

The twins heartily agreed. "If we had known you were _this _good-looking…"

"…we would have done it ages ago!"

"Yes!" The king exclaimed, pointing a finger at Haruhi.

"Now that you look the part of the perfect young woman, you're going to have to act like one as well! So from now on, not only will you be cooking for and serving our guests…you will be entertaining them as they wait as well! In other words…you're the stand in hostess!"

"E..eh!"

.x.

And so it was that Haruhi Fujioka ended up gossiping with the guests of the host club. Of course, being unused to so much attention on himself, the poor boy was lost as to what to say. Especially when the girls got into the personal questions.

"Haruhi-chan, what are some of your hobbies?" Each began with something similar, trying to prompt a conversation.

He silently laughed at that one. _If you only knew… _Still, Haruhi kept uncomfortably silent for lack of a interesting answer.

"Do you take care of your skin in some special way? It's so pretty!"

"Why are you working for this club, anyway?"

Haruhi froze. _That right…I owe the host club 8 million yen…and if I keep this up, I won't be able to pay off my debts…I have to at least try! _He tightened his fists and began to speak.

Meanwhile, Tamaki and the others snuck over to eavesdrop on their conversation.

"…Oh, so your father passed away ten years ago from sickness. Then does your mother have a job? Or does she do the housework?"

"Ah, the chores I do myself. My father was really good at cooking, and so he left me a lot of recipes to use while he stayed at the hospital. It was a lot of fun to learn them all one by one, and it made my mother really happy when I could cook them well. I think that it's those kinds of times that I love the most." Haruhi let his head fall back, lost in memories.

The guests smiled warmly at him, slightly teary-eyed. '_She's so moe! Like a shoujo manga character!' _

"Haruhi-chan, could we-if it's all right with you, of course-talk again tomorrow?" One gathered the courage to ask.

"Really? You want to?" He smiled, relieved.

The king had melted completely at Haruhi's cute faces. "What…what a beautiful notion…" He whispered dramatically to the twins and Kyouya. All they could do was nod in agreement.

"Tamaki-sama…" A stern voice floated over the conversation.

"Eh?" He turned back around to see his guest looking quite miffed. "Ah, forgive me, my princess! I was just concerned for our little daughter over there."

"You seem to have your eye on that person a lot."

"Of course I do, as I am raising her like a child." He lifted a hand and snapped his fingers. "Haruhi! Come over here for a moment, please."

Haruhi excused himself from the girls and walked over to stand in front of him. "Yes?"

"If you would, please give your greetings. My guest, Ayanokoji-hime, wanted to meet you."

"Ah…" Haruhi recognized her at first glance as the pompous girl that had been with Tamaki before.

_Better just smile anyway… _

"Pleased to meet you." He said, beaming at her.

Tamaki's face shone bright red as he sprung from his chair to glomp Haruhi. "That's so cute, Haruhi! That shy, innocent face is just perfect! So perfect!" He spun him around.

Haruhi could barely speak while his voice was muffled in Tamaki's shirt.

"Mori-sempai-" He yelled over the king's cries of 'How cute!' and 'I'm not letting go!'. "Save me, please!"

Right on cue, Mori jumped into action, gracefully drawing Haruhi into his arms. It was like a scene from a sappy rom-com. The only unfortunate part was that the close proximity made Mori discover that Haruhi wasn't exactly the leading lady he appeared to be.

"Ah…" he said in a low voice, as Haruhi flushed.

Tamaki flicked his hair dramatically, gasping. "Mori-sempai…you didn't have to go that far!"

He threw his arms out in anticipation. "Here, Haruhi, come back into Daddy's embrace!"

"I don't need another father!" He yelled back at him.

And all the while a certain princess had her malicious eyes on their backs.

.x.

A few hours later, when Haruhi had returned after running some errands, he noticed something strange had happened.

"Hmm…My bag is gone? I thought I had left it right here…"

Haruhi searched around the premises for a moment, finally looking out the window just next to him. He saw his bag floating in a pool of water just below the spot where he was standing.

"Oh, great…I thought that this school wouldn't have any serious bullying in it. This is so..."

He sped off down the hall until he passed a lone figure. The person stood motionless in the center of the hallway, as if they had been waiting for him.

"Ah, you…" they said, causing Haruhi to stop. _It's Ayanokoji-san! _

She smirked. "Tamaki-sama really dressed you up, didn't he? You actually look somewhat polished now. Maybe you should fix that poorly bred nature of yours as well, hm?"

Ayanokoji picked up and left without another word. Haruhi could only consign himself to head off to fish through the fountain alone.

.x.

The brim of his dress was drenched as he stepped into the water. _I'm pretty sure that girl was the culprit. There was no one else around, and she sure doesn't like me much. But anyway, for now, I just need to find my wallet so I have money for dinner._

Haruhi had just found his last textbook when he heard Tamaki's voice call out to him.

"Haruhi! You really shouldn't be missing the club activities. It'll just add more on to your debt."

The king looked down to the boy's feet. A pile of books and other valuables were stacked up on top of each other, soaking wet. "Why are you washing your bag?"

Haruhi had tried to think up a better lie than the one he had prepared, but there wasn't really any other excuse that made sense. "I…dropped it on accident. Now I can't find the money I have for food this week…"

He was stunned to hear the splashing of a pair of feet treading through the water.

"Don't worry about it; you'll just get wet with me." Haruhi said, turning to face him.

"Getting wet is okay if it means you'll find it faster. Besides, it's said that handsome men can't be hurt by water."

Eyes resting on his figure, Haruhi watched Tamaki's hands swish back and forth as he fingered the bottom of the fountain. The afternoon sun hit his pale skin and hair, surrounding him in a gentle light. It would be a silly to call it angelic: there was no halo, nor a sparkling pair of wings on his back. He was just beautiful. Simply that.

"Oh, is this what you've been looking for?" He held the bag up to his lips, a teasing smile spreading across his face. The sincerity in his eyes really set Haruhi back. A warm feeling pulsed in his chest, and somehow, he actually thought he was seeing the real Tamaki for the first time. The person deep, deep…_really_ deep down, under the princely facade.

"What's the matter? You're spacing out. Although, since I'm what you're staring at…have you finally fallen for me?"

Haruhi regained consciousness, flinching slightly. "Like I would!" He snapped, snatching the wallet out of his hands.

Tamaki backed up a step, looking at Haruhi in a serious manner. "Anyway, how on earth did you drop your bag in here in the first place? You weren't walking through the water, were you?"

"Um…about that…" He looked up, struggling to find the best thing to say. And what he found was the perfect solution. At least in his mind.

"I dropped it out of the window."

.x.

Haruhi used the same reply when he was talking to customers. Even Ayanokoji.

Taking a sip from her tea, the cold princess held a taunting look under her lashes. "I see. That was quite unfortunate; it's a rare thing when a bag falls into a pond at such a perfect angle."

_Why is she still speaking to me? She made it clear we're not on good terms… _

She set the cup down, facing Haruhi fully. "Regardless of the reason, you dirtied Tamaki-sama's precious hands with something so trivial. You really don't know where you stand, do you?"

Ayanokoji folded her hands under her chin. "Tamaki-sama is only concerned about your unique situation, so don't mistake his interest for adoration."

Realization hit Haruhi lit a bat. _That_ was the motive she had all this time? He couldn't believe the answer was so simple.

"Then basically, you're just being…" He returned her stare. "…jealous?"

Ayanokoji's eyes widened, blazing with fear, envy, and anger. Her arm suddenly flew out, striking the table and knocking it over. Haruhi jumped from his seat to catch it, but his knees hit the brim, so he fell over her while sending the table rolling to the side.

A scream rose amidst the chaos. "Help! Haruhi-san…Haruhi-san got angry all of the sudden! Someone, quickly, get this commoner off-"

She was interrupted when two pitchers of water were dumped on the pair's heads.

Haruhi looked up to see, not much to his surprise, the twins standing over them. He backed off of the king's designator, staring at them inquisitively.

Ayanokoji batted at her wet clothes. "W...What do you think you're doing?" Her demeanor changed the instant Tamaki came to her side, lending an arm.

"Tamaki-sama…" She breathed, clinging to him. "Tamaki-sama, to me, Haruhi-san wanted to-"

"How graceless…" He said, placing a hand on her jaw. "Throwing Haruhi's bag into the fountain."

_Eh? _Haruhi couldn't believe his ears. _How did he know?_

"How could you… Do you have any proof?"

Tamaki pulled her face closer to his own. "You are very beautiful, I will admit that. But I'm afraid you're not fit to be our customer anymore. Because I know…" His eyes narrowed. "Haruhi is not that kind of person."

Hurt flickered across Ayanokoji's features, and she shoved him away so she could leave.

"T-Tamaki-sama, you…fool!" Her footsteps got quieter and quieter as she ran, until they disappeared completely.

All was silent for a moment. The tension was unbearable. How was Tamaki going to react? Would he be angry? Depressed? Relieved? Or…

"What a shame, she was such a beautiful girl…oh, I should probably inform you of the consequences for causing a ruckus. From now on, if this happens again, your debt will automatically go up by one hundred thousand yen!" He shouted, pointing a finger at Haruhi.

Nonchalant…?

Haruhi gaped at him. _No…no way… _His eyes twitched uncontrollably.

"Here." Tamaki held his hand out for him to take. He cautiously obliged, getting to his feet. "I'm looking forward to working with you, new girl." He nodded his head to the side and winked at Haruhi, who in return flushed.

Kyouya strolled in from the sidelines, carrying a big paper bag with him. He placed it in their new recruit's hands. "This is the only replacement uniform we have. It's better than being all wet, isn't it?"

Haruhi pulled the bag open with one finger, and upon seeing the contents, became very quiet. "Thank you…very much…"

.x.

And so the boy was once again ushered into a changing room to fix himself up. After Tamaki and the others took their seats outside, Haruhi had to begin the tedious process of putting on a men's uniform. But before he could do that, he had to take off the soaking wet dress currently smothering him. Of course, because of the dampness, the clothing clung to Haruhi's skin. So when it came down to taking off his tights, well…it was not pretty.

"Urgh…" He tugged relentlessly, pulling at them until they were pooled around his ankles. Haruhi tried to slip one foot out, but his toes caught in the fabric. He tripped over himself, flying into the stall's curtain. It tore immediately from the impact, fluttering to the floor with a stunned Haruhi following it.

"Haruhi!" Tamaki rushed over to help, holding a hand out. The rest of the six lagged just behind him. "Haruhi, are you-"

He flinched when Tamaki froze. "Wh…what…" The king stuttered, features rigid. A lone finger was directed straight at Haruhi's face.

Haruhi's body was exposed head-to-toe, stripped of everything except for his underwear. And on top of being naked, he was tangled up in the mess of fabric…the scene was just far too scandalous.

Tamaki stared directly into his eyes for a moment, the stunned look never leaving his face. And when he did speak, he was completely monotone.

"Haruhi."

"Yes?"

"You're…a guy."

Haruhi sighed, getting to his feet and retreating to the stall next to his. He continued changing outfits. "Strictly speaking, yeah."

"But…your clothes…"

"That's just a hobby of mine."

Tamaki gaped, totally lost for words. He eyed each member of the host club, searching for any sign of surprise. The apathy towards this 'new' bit of information told him everything he needed to know. Some embarrassing new cosplay event was likely to show up in their near future now.

It was only a few more minutes until Haruhi was finished. "All right, I'm done." His muffled voice carried louder than normal over the silence.

He slid the curtain open, revealing his newly dressed form.

The King's jaw dropped.

The boy was practically sparkling in all his bishounen glory. The crisp boy's uniform fit him perfectly, accentuating his more masculine features while not taking away from the feminine ones. He was every bit the prince that Tamaki was.

Haruhi prodded at his clothes. "This feels pretty weird; I don't think I'll ever get used to these stiff suits we're supposed to wear. But least it's only for today." He blinked. "Oh, and I was going to ask you…since I'm the new 'hostess', I'm going to get to wear a frilly maid outfit, right?" The thought brought an enormous smile to his face and he laughed.

"Na…na…" The saturated blush that colored Tamaki's face only worsened as he continued to stutter. Maid…outfit…

A calculating grin snaked across Kyouya's face as he repositioned his glasses. "It's definitely going to be interesting from here on out."

**ManicThrifts: The image of male!Haruhi in a maid outfit just made my sexuality a little bit more questionable. **


	3. Chapter 3

**ManicThrifts: I had to watch episode two of Ouran HSHC as I wrote this, because it's been about a year. xD**

* * *

><p>If Haruhi Fujioka had learned anything from years of women's clothing, it was this: <em>running never ended well.<em>

Run in heels? Break your heels. Run in a skirt? Rip the skirt. Run in a dress? Trip on the hem. Feminine paraphernalia was probably the least practical running wear on planet Earth. Add in the ornamental, frivolous fabric of the uniforms that was about as durable as a napkin, and you get a disaster waiting to happen.

This was precisely why he was not running, despite cutting it dangerously close to being late.

However, he was taking the largest strides he could manage within the limits of the skirt without looking odd, and making them as quickly as he possibly could.

This rush was the fault of a rumor of an impending quiz, which prompted him to return to the library for an extra study hour. He'd simply lost track of time. Lucky for him, this school was full of rich kids who decided their school needed a giant clock that would chime the hours and could been heard almost anywhere on campus. He hated to admit it, but these rich bastards had some good ideas.

He managed to make it just in time, only stumbling twice along the way. He stood outside the door, dreading what might be waiting for him inside, before finally twisting the doorknob and cracking open the door.

He stared into the room in bewilderment. Had he stepped into some alternate universe, or…?

There were beautiful birds in vibrant colors resting on vivid green leaves. There were anomalous plants of every kind sprouting from every crack and crevice, the very picture of organized chaos. There were butterflies floating about the room, and lizards chasing each other up trees. And last, there was the humidity that filled the room, creating an atmosphere that narrowly avoided uncomfortable, giving customers the perfect illusion of a tropical paradise.

The illusion was furthered by the array of tropical divinities in the center of the room, all in odd, colorful clothing. The twins were in blue plaid, carrying odd sticks. Mori had what appeared to be a pineapple in one hand, most likely containing a drink. Kyouya seemed to be modeled after an actual deity, in a gold necklace and a sort of grass skirt. Honey looked a bit like a child at the beach, but still somehow fit into the picture. And Tamaki...

Tamaki sat in his 'throne,' as per usual, in an outfit that looked a bit like the lovechild of a toga and Egyptian robes, holding a brightly colored fan. His wrists were adorned with gold cuffs. He probably had all kinds of jewelry on that Haruhi hadn't even noticed yet, because he was too busy wondering where the hell they had gotten this stuff, how they got it set up in a day, who was going to clean it up, and whether the snake that was currently winding around a tree next to his head was poisonous.

'_Can you see this from heaven, Father? This is the club I've been forced into.'_

"You finally made it, Haruhi." An eerie chorus of voices called out to him. "You're so late."

Haruhi waved away the bird that was diving for his head and (pushing aside the need to protest that he was _sure_ he'd made it in time) opted to question what was _really_ bothering him.

"I might be wrong, but…according to the calendar, I'm pretty sure it's still early spring."

"It's nonsense to cuddle under a kotatsu table, fearing the cold!" Tamaki rebutted, gesturing flamboyantly. "And besides, the heating system we have is the best!"

"Do you have a problem you'd like to share about the way we run our club, Haruhi?" Kyouya drawled, looking up from his clipboard. "Be careful what you say- you still owe us eight million yen."

Haruhi cringed as the sound of glass shattering echoed in his ears.

Tamaki continued as though nothing had happened. "Gentlemen don't bundle up in bulky clothing! While everyone else experiences chilly early spring, here at our club we surprise our chilly little kittens with a warm tropical paradise!"

Tamaki strutted over to Haruhi, throwing a slender arm around the boy's shoulders. "Oh yes!" he continued. "We've turned this plain room into Nirvana, a beautiful tropical island of everlasting summer!"

"That's funny, because I feel a massive chill right now." Haruhi muttered, leaning away from the taller man.

Oh, could this day get any worse?

* * *

><p>Not long after that, Tamaki retracted his arm; suddenly brightening, as though he'd remembered something of great importance.<p>

"Oh, Haruhi! How will we ever manage to sell our paradise when our only hostess stands apart from us, breaking the illusion with your everyday uniform?"

_Father, are you hearing this? _

"I-I'm sure it'll be fine. Everyone's here for you guys anyway."

Tamaki grinned a terrible grin, which made Haruhi feel like crawling into a corner until he went away, or even better, hiding behind Mori. "Luckily, we already have a costume ready for you!" Haruhi's eyes widened as he began to feel a bit excited despite himself. "I think you'll like it," Tamaki continued. Haruhi leaned forward slightly in anticipation.

"_We match!" _

And there it went.

"S-senpai…" Haruhi began, wincing internally as he stuttered for the second time. "You…really didn't have to go through the trouble, I mean…You've already lost money through me, right? Why add more to it?"

"Ah!" Tamaki gasped, flailing dramatically. "Such altruism! You are a true prodigy, Haruhi!"

Haruhi decided it was best to tune out Tamaki's rant, feeling it would be best to find someone relatively sane to speak with. This person ended up being Kyouya, who presented him with two outfits- the one Tamaki had found, which looked like a prince's wear; and the one that Kyouya replaced it with, which appeared to be the queen. Both had elements to match Tamaki's outfit- they were intended to show a relation, one way or the other.

This should've bothered him more, Haruhi decided, but he was too busy admiring the outfits. They were both lovely, and quite obviously expensive. Haruhi the prince's wear was a toga-like thing, which could probably pass as him cross-dressing. The idea made him laugh. A boy passing as a girl passing as a boy. The dress was about twice as gorgeous, if that was possible. It had so many folds of fabric and such that made Haruhi think it'd taken an entire team to make. The fabrics themselves varied from a thin white material to a thick red textile. It probably weighed about ten pounds.

He couldn't resist. He took the dress from Kyouya and slipped off to change.

Maybe this club wasn't so bad.

* * *

><p>Gold light reflected off short locks of a similar colour. Soft music played, floating to the ears of many lovely maidens. A gentle voice spoke, not clashing with the rooms other noises, but mixing with them.<p>

"What injustice." The voice spoke. "Even with my lustrous skin shining like brilliant ivory, exposed by my Balinese king outfit, I'm no more than a slave before my goddess. I kneel before you to swear my eternal loyalty."

"Tamaki~" the maiden receiving this pompous accolade swooned.

Indeed, Tamaki was the name of the voice's owner. He stood next to a table of young ladies, caressing and complimenting them in turn, never favoring one above the rest.

The other girls at the table swooned with the first, sighing phrases such as '_Lucky.'_ It appeared the only one unaffected by the princes charm was the fourth maiden, pouring tea into the ladies' cups.

Of course, this didn't quite count, as this lady technically was not a lady at all. This 'lady' was Haruhi Fujioka, a boy, and was often terribly exasperated by the actions of the Host Club 'Prince.'

As Haruhi was walking away, fully prepared to ignore the Prince before he had the chance to make a comment about Haruhi's costume, Tamaki straightened and began to speak again.

"Oh yes! I almost forgot to mention this to you ladies. Next week, the Ouran High School Host Club is sponsoring a party."

Haruhi paused, turning back slightly. "We're throwing a party?" he murmured. He wondered what it would be like.

"What kind of party is it going to be?" Haruhi turned his head to the twins' table, where the question had come from one of the two guests. "Is it going to be formal?"

One of the twins- Hikaru?- answered. "Yes. In fact, we've rented the school's largest hall."

The other (who must've been Kaoru) picked up his brother's explanation with ease. "It's the perfect place for dancing."

Hikaru turned to his brother, taking Kaoru's chin into his hand. "But I really wanted to spend some time just with you, Kaoru."

"Don't be upset, Hikaru." Kaoru whispered back. "I know exactly how you feel."

Haruhi stamped down every emotion within him and the questions that came with them, forcing his mind to think in a logical pattern of inquiry- Is the act real? If not, how do they manage it? Do their parents know about this? If so, do they care? It didn't take long for him to shake off any impending reaction of his, and allowed him to focus on the girls' ones.

"The girls seem even more worked up than they usually are." Haruhi observed.

Kyouya, whom must've snuck up on him some time while he was thinking, responded without looking up from his clipboard, "Showing some skin proves popular with the ladies."

Haruhi couldn't help his curiosity. "Are you the one who came up with this whole 'paradise' thing?"

"I have no decision making authority. The clubs policies have been laid out by the king, Tamaki." Kyouya explained. He grinned suddenly. "But, I guess there's no harm in admitting to casually slipping a Bali photograph book onto his desk."

_So he's the true mastermind behind all this. _Haruhi thought to himself.

* * *

><p>"Ta da!"<p>

Honey stood on a chair, showing off his Balinese outfit and lei.

"Oh, you're so cute Honey!" his two guests chorused.

"Hi ladies!" Honey hoped down in childish excitement. "I love these Balinese flowers! We had them flown in!" He paused, turning as Mori walked up.

"Takashi!" He yelled, climbing up the stoic man to drop a lei around his neck. "There! We match!"

Haruhi watched this little adventure from his table_. I'm still thoroughly confused by those two. _He thought to himself.

"Um, Haruhi?" A timid voice interrupted his thoughts.

He looked over towards his guests. "Hm?"

"I really like your dress. It kind of matches Tamaki's outfit."

The second girl at his table joined in easily with her own inquiry of, "Was that intentional?"

"O-oh, that. It's probably because of superiority- He's the main host, and I'm the only hostess, so that puts us as the metaphorical 'King' and 'Queen.'" Haruhi mentally praised himself over the easy lie.

"Oh, that's nice!" The first girl responded, obviously satisfied.

"Oh, by the way," Haruhi began, looking to change the topic. "Did you hear about the party?"

"Oh, yes!" The second girl piped up happily. "I hope we're lucky enough that the cherry blossoms will be in full bloom the night of the party!"

The third girl seemed to find this idea absolutely marvelous. "Dancing amongst the cherry blossoms! How romantic!"

"You really think so?" Haruhi asked, trying to picture it. He could see the appeal, he supposed, what with the beauty of cherry blossoms. "You know, I'm glad you girls have such great dreams. It's inspiring."

The girls stared at him happily- he'd obviously done something _very_ right. However, before he had timed to be pleased, he was interrupted by a voice to his left.

"Excuse me." Haruhi turned to see a pretty girl with short brown hair and gentle eyes standing beside him. "I hate to interrupt but I think it's time for the hosts to switch clients."

"I'm sorry. You must be my next appointment." He racked his brain for her name. "Miss…uh…"

She smiled. "My name's Kanako. Kanako Kasugazaki."

She placed a hand under his chin. "You're very pretty, aren't you? I've decided- from now on, you're my new favorite."

* * *

><p><strong>ManicThrifts:<strong> Alright, I'm going to stop here, and start on part two, which will finish episode two. I've decided on my uploading pattern, as it will follow the first two chapters- a six page starter chapter for each episode, and a fourteen page second, give or take a few pages. I'll try and get part du up ASAP.

(Du = two. It's Esperanto. I'll probably use Esperanto a lot, simply because I find it easier for my brain to work with than English.)


	4. Chapter 4

**ManicThrifts:** Again, apologies for the random updating.

In the last chapter, I kept the host-hopping lady as a girl because I couldn't think of anything to replace her host-hopping with.

Also, please let me know if I swapped the twins at any point. I have trouble telling them apart when only one is speaking.

One last note: I would've made Haruhi dress as a boy to meet Suzushima, but I couldn't work out some of the changes in disguise. As a girl, he gets a complete disguise. As a boy, he'd just be Haruhi the Hostess in a tux.

* * *

><p>Shorty after the club closed, Haruhi was dragged over to a table to go over the day's statistics and plan the party with the other hosts. It didn't take him long to notice that something was off. He looked around; trying to determine what had changed.<p>

When he spotted it, he was surprised. "Where's Tamaki?" He asked, turning to Kyouya. The club's king was _always_ there, flaunting himself and giving speeches, but now he was absent completely.

"He's moping." The twins chorused in a conspiratorial whisper, interrupting the boy's train of thought. They pointed in unison to the figure at another table not far from theirs, hunched over a bowl of ramen, muttering to himself.

"Hey boss!" Hikaru yelled, obviously not caring about exploiting the club leader's spontaneous depression. "Why don't you quit with the commoner food and help us with these plans?"

Kaoru picked up his brother's mocking tone. "Does it really bother you that Princess Kasuga happens to want to spend time with our little 'hostess'?"

"He shouldn't be so surprised. She's had this illness since the start, has she not?"

"Illness?" Haruhi questioned.

"She has the host-hopping illness." Hikaru explained.

Kaoru, as always, slipped behind his brother with his own elaboration. "AKA, the Never-The-Same-Host-Twice illness."

"Usually," Kyouya picked up, "Our guests choose one host that remains their favorite from the time they begin visiting them to the time they graduate. Lady Kanako, however, swaps hosts regularly."

Honey popped up next to Haruhi, obviously feeling the need to join the elucidation. "Mm-hm! And before you, she chose Tama-chan!"

_I get it now. _Haruhi thought irritably. "Oh, so he's just offended that I took her from him?"

Tamaki threw himself onto the table across from Haruhi. "Shut up!" he yelled. "I couldn't care _less!" _

He stood up, all of the sudden looking less mad and more distressed. "This would be a lot simpler…" he muttered. He looked up, fiery eyes locking with Haruhi's. "I've had enough!" He pointed at the shorter boy threateningly. "It's time you started dressing like a boy!"

"Huh?" Haruhi tipped his head. _What's that got to do with anything?_

"I don't understand why the ladies all seem to favor another lady, who _isn't even a lady!_ And no one even knows about you except us at the club!"

"Yeah…" The twins chimed in.

"He opted out of gym." Hikaru pointed out.

"And the attendance numbers are mixed up," Kaoru added. "So no one can tell."

Tamaki ran off, quickly returning with a large chest. He began to dig through it as he ranted. "That's enough Haruhi…now you listen to daddy…" He suddenly stopped, before pulling out a picture frame and shoving it in Haruhi's face. "Daddy wants you to go back to the way you were!"

Haruhi stared at the picture in shock. It was…him, about a year ago. He was in his middle school uniform, his short hair smoothed back. He looked the most masculine he'd probably looked in his entire life. How did Tamaki have this?

Haruhi narrowed his eyes. "Don't go blowing up my pictures without asking!"

Tamaki ran over and hung it on the wall unceremoniously. The others walked over to view it quietly.

"The more I look at this," Hikaru drawled, "The more amazed I am. How could this," He gestured to the photo, "become _that?"_ He turned and motioned to the older version in a dress that was seated at the table.

Haruhi rolled his eyes. "I've always looked feminine." He explained. "And I've pretty much always dressed however I felt like. Even if I wore men's clothes, I looked like a girl, so I just stopped trying either way." He shrugged. "I don't care if I look like a woman, it's not that important."

Tamaki looked on the verge of an aneurism. "A boy should never refer to himself as a lady!" He turned around. "_Mama! _Haruhi's using those dirty girl words again!"

"I'm sorry," Kaoru spoke up, "But who is mama?"

"Based on club position, I'd assume it's me." Kyouya replied, practically expressionless.

"Look," Haruhi interrupted irritably. "I don't see what your problem is. I can pay back more of my debt as a hostess than a chef."

"Hate to change the subject," Kaoru interrupted, "But do you have formal dancing experience? You'll need it at the party."

"A-ah…no…but…" Haruhi fished for a way out. "It's got nothing to do with my quota, right? I'm not interested in events. If I could be excused…?"

Tamaki looked up, a truly terrifying expression on his face. "Certainly not." He said, bringing a hand to his chin. "A _true_ lady_ must_ know how to dance."

_He's mocking me, isn't he? _Haruhi thought to himself.

"If you want to live the life of a hostess that badly," Tamaki said, turning to face Haruhi. "You have to prove how far you're willing to go." He gestured in his odd, exaggerated way. "I order you to learn the waltz within the week, and demonstrate it for us at the party." He spun around to accentuate his words, before stopping and pointing a long finger at Haruhi, stopping it an inch away from his face. "Or I tell the whole school you're a boy and knock you back to chef…or, for your gender…errand boy."

Haruhi quivered. This man, for all his flamboyant gaiety, was secretly a menacing spirit.

_Father…save me._

* * *

><p>Haruhi Fujioka had always been told he was a natural. He didn't exactly buy that, but he knew he picked things up quickly. This trait had always been a blessing, but never more so then now, in the mostly empty club room, surrounded by the other hosts as he danced in a dress that kept wanting to trip him with a partner he wasn't sure if he should be leading.<p>

"Quick, quick, slow…quick, quick, slow…" The soft voice of Kanako Kasugazaki guided him. Haruhi had been a bit surprised when she offered to help him with his when he mentioned it. Especially considering, as far as she knew, he was a girl. "Very good, Haruhi!" She praised. Haruhi cringed. Somehow, he felt she was lying. "Now, on the slow part, bring your feet together…Remember, the gentleman always leads, the lady is lead. And…look at the man you're dancing with. Or, lady, in this case."

"Got it." Haruhi responded immediately, sounding a lot more confident than he felt.

Kanako opened her mouth to give another instruction, when suddenly Haruhi stepped on his dress's hem and tripped. He tried to balance himself, but simply wound up falling the other way…onto Kanako. His weight pulled them both to the floor. He pushed up immediately, keeping himself from touching her as several fears ran through his mind. "I-I'm so sorry, Miss Kasugazaki…"

Suddenly, his arms were around his neck, pulling him down a fraction. "It's okay, Haruhi. If you were a man, this would be scandalous, but as it is…"

"Uh…" Haruhi tried to regain function in his mind. "Can I help you up?"

Kanako laughed lightly, nodding as she pushed up from the ground. After their skirts were dusted off and Haruhi's embarrassment wore off, the dance lesson resumed both parties oblivious to the goings on beside them.

"Why so glum, boss?" the twins called to their 'king,' whom was currently moping on a windowsill.

"I think he wanted to be the one to teach Haruhi." Hikaru told his brother.

Kaoru looked at his twin, mock confusion on his face. "But he's far too tall to stand in as a woman. I thought he wanted Haruhi to go back to manhood?"

The brothers smirked at each other, knowing that Tamaki could hear their every word and that it drove him insane inside.

"Thank you so much." Haruhi told Kanako after the lesson ended and Kanako was seated at one of their guest tables. "I really appreciate the help."

"Oh! No problem." She leaned forward. "I heard you were seeing any customers so that you could practice dancing. I'm glad for this alone time."

Haruhi didn't reply, opting to silently study the woman before him. _What could she mean by that? And what's with that face?_

"Oh my." Suddenly, Kanako looked down at the cup that had been placed before her. "This is a new set of teacups, isn't it?" She lifted it to her face. "It's Ginori."

"Correct. You have a keen eye, Miss Kasugazaki." Kyouya responded, moving the tea tray behind his back as he spoke. Haruhi wondered idly if this was some kind of military stance, or if he just felt uncomfortable holding something that wasn't a clipboard. "In fact," he continued, "We just got these in yesterday. We decided the club's tea sets needed an upgrade."

"I see." Kanako said without moving her eyes from the teacup. She sounded entranced. "It's such a lovely colour, too."

Tamaki looked up from the corner, though his sudden interest went completely unnoticed.

"You really like tea sets." Haruhi observed. "You must really enjoy tableware and such."

Kanako seemed suddenly nervous, abruptly putting her cup down and stuttering out denials. "No…not really, I mean- of course I'm not…" She ended this with a nervous chuckle.

_I don't get it. She obviously knows a lot on it._ Haruhi thought. _Why would she hide it? It's not that bad of a hobby… I mean, I'm standing here in a dress!_

Suddenly, a voice came from the doorway. "Hello?" It called. "I'm here with the new teacups you ordered."

Kanako's head shot up.

"Ah," Kyouya said, heading towards the delivery boy to receive the new tableware. "Thank you very much. Every item you've chosen has been a big hit. I'm quite impressed."

"Well, that's good to hear." The boy replied, giving the host club manager and awkward grin.

Haruhi moved towards the boy out of natural curiosity. "So, do you sell tea sets?"

"Nah," he responded as he handed over his box. "I'm just an average student. Can't you tell buy the uniform?"

From the table, Kanako's laughter picked up, sounding oddly strained. "Oh Haruhi," she giggled. "You're so funny." She spun around to look at the hostess. "I don't blame you for not knowing, since he doesn't exactly look the part of a rich heir to a first class company."

"First class company..?" Haruhi questioned.

"His family runs the Suzushima trading company." Kyouya explained. "They mainly handle tableware. They currently have the top market share in the country."

"Wow." Haruhi mumbled, looking down at the box he held_. SUZUSHIMA_was printed across the top in green letters.

"So," Kyouya continued, "We asked him to pass along anything exceptional that comes in."

As Kyouya was speaking, Haruhi looked up to see that the Suzushima boy was not listening, but rather, staring directly across the room in a sort of shock. Haruhi followed his gaze to find Kanako looking away awkwardly.

"He has a great eye for fine china." Kyouya continued. "Don't you, Suzushima?"

Suzushima seemed to realize he was being spoken to and snapped out of his reverie. "You think?" The awkward grin returned to his face, albeit forced. "I've still got a lot to learn, but thanks!"

"Aren't you leaving next month," Kyouya inquired, "To study abroad in England?"

"Yes, I am," Suzushima confirmed. "Well…I'd better go now."

Haruhi studied Kanako's reactions, from the way she hunched over her teacup to the loneliness in her expression, and wondered how the two new each other.

As Haruhi walked back, he paused to watch Tamaki rise and lean across the table to talk to Kanako.

"So," Tamaki asked. "Are you enjoying the host club?"

Haruhi intervened before she had to answer. "I get the feeling you two are kind of close."

Kanako's reaction was even more violent than that about the teacups. "Don't be ridiculous!" She had a frantic note to her voice. "We hardly know each other!" She stood, walking over to Haruhi. "What make you say _that,_ Haruhi?" She continued to mutter nervously, excusing herself and walking from the room.

Haruhi watched her nervously, but was interrupted by the least serious thing anyone could think of: A 4 foot ball of blonde fluff flying at his neck, yelling "Haru-chan!"

Haruhi panted, recovering from his mini heart attack as Honey continued happily. "Guess what? They do know each other! They're engaged!" Haruhi's eyes widened as he looked back at Honey in disbelief.

Tamaki, however, seemed perfectly calm. "Kyouya, how long did you know of this?"

"About their engagement?" Kyouya drawled nonchalantly. "Well, I conduct general searched on all our customers. They were childhood friends. Their engagement was arranged, seemingly by their parents. I disregarded it, as it seemed irrelevant."

"I see…" Tamaki muttered.

"Tohru Suzushima is a model student. Outstanding grades, great social status, ordinary-looking, and reliable. If I had to fault him for anything…"

The twins popped up, choosing to add in their own flaw options.

"He doesn't have much presence!" Hikaru chimed.

"And he's faint-hearted." Kaoru added.

"In other words," Kyouya picked up, "He's boring."

_They are really merciless towards other guys… _Haruhi thought.

"Suzushima is a good boy…" Honey summarized. "Right?"

"Yeah." Mori confirmed.

_So he can talk. _Haruhi observed idly.

"Alright, people." Tamaki spoke in his 'serious King' voice. "We have to work on our strategy."

"Which one?" Everyone, including Haruhi, asked in unison.

"It's our job, as members of the elite Ouran Host Club, to make every girl happy!"

* * *

><p>The dance hall was lovely. There were chandeliers hanging from the ceiling- not just one or two, but several, which must have cost a fortune. <em>Not, <em>Haruhi thought,_ like that mattered to them._ There was a well-stock buffet table, a surplus of streamers, and several other ornamental garlands.

"It is so good to see you here tonight, my little lambs." Tamaki began from his place at the highest point on the twin staircases. "The Ouran Host Club would like to bid you welcome." He dipped into a low bow. The chandeliers came on as an orchestra began to play.

"As always, ladies," Kyouya picked up, "The host club members our here for your entertainment. We invite you to dance to your heart's content. Our Hostess Haruhi has denounced from her spot as Queen for the night, so the spot is open to all! Based on behavior and dance skills, one lucky lady shall be tonight's Queen, who will receive a passionate kiss from our King."

"Good luck to you, my darlings." Tamaki said, gesturing with a single hand as though he were holding out a rose. Several of the girls swooned.

Haruhi stared out in frustration and disbelief. Obviously, he overdid it a bit, as the twins picked up and instantly reprimanded him.

"Haruhi!" They scolded from either side of him. "Show some enthusiasm!"

"Well excuse me for not being used to this sort of thing!" Haruhi grouched. "I've only ever gone to festivals in my neighborhood."

"I don't know if you can consider that a party or not." Kyouya chimed in, holding that ever-present clipboard in a way that made Haruhi think it was attached to his fingers. "Well, since you're here, why don't you get yourself something to eat? We have quite the spread."

Haruhi perked up a bit. "Spread? With….fancy tuna?"

Instantly, everyone went into similar states of shock. Kyouya even broke his pen, which must've been hell for him and his meticulous record-keeping compulsions.

"Get some fancy tuna here right now!" Tamaki ordered. Kyouya picked up his cell phone, the clipboard suddenly absent (most likely due to the fact it was useless without a pen) and began to order. Meanwhile, the twins cuddled a bright red Haruhi.

You have to understand, Haruhi has two weaknesses- women's clothing and fancy food. Right now, he was in a world with both, and everyone seemed to be mocking him. _Damn these filthy rich jerks._

* * *

><p>Haruhi stood alone by a post, watching the others dance. They were all great, far better than him, but Haruhi wasn't jealous of their skills. Quite the contrary: He enjoyed watching them from his solitary point by the fancy column, basking in temporary freedom. He was interrupted, however, by a voice calling his name. He turned towards the speaker.<p>

"There you are," It was Kanako. "I've been looking all over for you. Do you think maybe I could have the next dance?"

"Yeah," Haruhi responded cheerily, holding out a hand. "Of course you can."

Meanwhile, Honey sounded the quiet alarm of "Kasuga-chan is here!"

"Let us commence with the plan." Tamaki ordered.

Instantly, Haruhi was swept from the floor, away from Kanako, out into the hall. Kanako stared in shock after the blur that had swept away her dance partner. "K-Kidnapped? What?"

Tamaki smirked.

* * *

><p>A door was kicked open as Mori walked in, Haruhi slung over one shoulder.<p>

"There he is!" The twins called. Honey bounced happily and Kyouya leaned against a wall: all showing in their own way that something was about to go down.

Mori sat Haruhi down gently, who instantly turned to the others to complain. "You didn't have to be so forceful!"

"Never mind that! Go get changed!" Hikaru pushed a package into his hands before he was shoved behind a curtain.

Inside the dress was the kind of thing Haruhi had thought about several times in his life but never actually got: A full women's disguise. Complete with fake breasts, a lovely dress, a wig, and makeup.

"A little accident toward the end of the night could be thrilling. Remember Haruhi, there are only twenty minutes till the party's high point. Suzushima is already in the class across the hall, waiting for you."

A few minutes later, Haruhi was seated in a chair as the twins went at him with all the makeup in the kit. "I know this is the boss's strategy…" The twins murmured as they worked. "But it's kind of unsettling."

"Gentlemen!" The door swung open to reveal Tamaki, an army general about to reprimand his troops. "There you all are! The guests are waiting for-" Tamaki froze as his eyes met with the sight it in center of the room.

Haruhi rose from his chair, turning lightly to see Tamaki gaping at him. The shorter boy was wearing a pink dress with a gaudy flower, a wig the extended his hair to mid back, and heels. The makeup adoring his face made him look less like the androgynous hostess and more like a little girl.

"So, what do you think?" The twins asked their king happily.

"Wow!" Honey cried. "You look so cute!"

"My face feels heavy." Haruhi complained. He had never been one for makeup. "And it's hard to walk in these shoes."

"Good luck Haruhi!" The twins called after him.

"Look at that. He's so pretty…" Tamaki muttered. Suddenly he shook his head. "We shouldn't be encouraging this..."

The twins just chuckled and patted their king on the back.

* * *

><p>Haruhi walked into the indicated classroom to see Suzushima holding a folded piece of paper and staring out the window. He turned as Haruhi stepped in.<p>

"You're the one who wrote this letter?" Suzushima asked. "You're completely different from what I imagined."

"Letter?" Haruhi mumbled. He didn't remember anyone mentioning a letter.

The letter itself was sickening, using the word love about thirty times and overflowing with terrible metaphors. _Who wrote this thing?_

(The answer- it was a collaborative act between the twins and Mama.)

"Excuse me…" Suzushima asked. "Have we met somewhere before?"

Haruhi jumped._ I can't let him find out who I am. I have a debt to pay and a mission to complete._ "Uh, no, this is the first time I've ever talked to you."

"I see." Suzushima replied. "Um, I'm flattered by your letter, but I'm afraid I don't feel the same way."

_Neither do I, really… _Haruhi thought to himself, but wisely kept his mouth shut.

"You see," Suzushima continued, "Another girl already has my heart."

Haruhi straightened. "Oh, well, I didn't know that you had a girlfriend."

"Unfortunately, she's not my girlfriend. In fact, I doubt she has any feeling left for me at all. I think she wants someone with more confidence."

Haruhi stared, feeling a small rush of sympathy for the boy.

"That's why I decided it was time to change. I'll travel, see the world, and become a better man. It's selfish, but I hope she'll wait for me."

"Yeah…" Haruhi frowned. "You're right, that is pretty selfish of you."

Suzushima looked crestfallen.

"But maybe," Haruhi continued, "she would wait. You'll never know if you don't tell her how you feel. You obviously have strong feelings for her, so why not go ahead and talk to her? I think that once you decide to change, you've already begun your transformation."

Suzushima held up a hand, as though he were going to rest it on Haruhi's shoulder, but paused as the door opened. There, in the open doorway, stood Kanako herself.

"Kanako…" Suzushima whispered.

Kanako looked down quickly. "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to interrupt you two, I just…" She sounded as though she were on the verge of tears. Sure enough, a few began to drip down her face. She turned and ran from the room.

"Kanako? KANAKO!" Suzushima took off after her. Haruhi followed into the hallway, watching them run.

"Looks like we just made matters worse." Haruhi observed.

Tamaki stepped out behind him. "But he did go running after her."

Haruhi's eyes widened. _He had, hadn't he? _He smiled lightly to himself._ Good for you, Tohru. _Haruhi turned his gaze to Tamaki. _It's our duty, as members of the elite Ouran Host Club, to make every girl happy…_

Haruhi's smile became softer. "Come on, Sempai." He said lightly. "Let's get this stuff off my face."

Tamaki's grin couldn't have been brighter.

* * *

><p>The members of the Ouran Host Club specialized in drama. They could make ordinary things into huge spectacles. This was their forte; it always had been, always would be.<p>

Now they were putting it to use, waiting in the windows as Suzushima caught Kanako by the wrist, and shining spotlights to accentuate the exhibition.

"Ladies and gentlemen, the honor of tonight's final dance has been chosen for this couple."

The two froze, before Suzushima turned to Kanako, bowing and holding out a hand. "Princess Kasuga, may I have this dance?"

Everyone watched as the two danced happily. There were various forms of sentiment, from Haruhi watching fondly, to the girls watching in both jealously and awe, to the twins munching nonchalantly on bananas as though nothing important was going on. Haruhi leaned forward, watching as Suzushima's mouth formed words he couldn't quite hear, but could easily guess. "_I love you, Kanako." _Haruhi smiled to himself. _It's about time._

Tamaki, of course, had to interrupt the schmaltziness. "May this awkward couple be forever blessed!"

"And now," Hikaru boomed, "We'll announce the Queen of the ball!"

"Congratulations Princess Kanako Kasugazaki!" Hikaru finished.

"And for her reward, a kiss on the cheek from our King!" Hikaru yelled.

"You ready?" Tamaki drawled charmingly.

"But not to worry for her date!" Kaoru started up, surprising Tamaki. "He also receives a kiss, from our actual Queen, Haruhi Fujioka!"

"Huh?" Both Tamaki and Haruhi looked at the twins in horror.

"Kyouya did say that a little accident towards the end of the night might make the evening more thrilling for everyone!" The twins chorused.

"It's just on the cheek, right?" Suzushima murmured. Kanako nodded. "Then I see no reason not to accept. It can commemorate your graduation from host-hopping."

"There's no way I can kiss him." Haruhi muttered.

"If you do it, we can cut you debt by one third." Kyouya told her without looking up from his clipboard (with a new pen that Haruhi isn't sure where he got.).

"Well…it is just a peck on the cheek…"

He and Tamaki (the latter of which was still panicking) walked down the stairs, approaching their respective guests. Haruhi paused halfway, allowing Tamaki to go first.

Tamaki gave Kanako a small kiss on the cheek, whispering a parting _"Congratulations"_ in her ear as he did so. Predictably, the girls surrounding the dance floor squealed loudly. He walked back up the stairs, leaving Haruhi to take his turn.

"Hey." Honey suddenly had a thought, and unwisely chose to share it with Tamaki. "You don't think this is Haru-chan's first kiss, do you?"

"What!" Tamaki panicked.

Haruhi reached up to Suzushima's face, tilting it lightly and making him tilt down for better access.

"Wait, Haruhi!" Tamaki lunged. The problem with this plan, ladies and gents, is that the bananas the twins were eating earlier had been finished, and the peel had been discarded onto the step that Tamaki's foot landed on. He tripped, flying forward and accidently slamming his outreached hand into Haruhi's back. Haruhi stumbled forward before Suzushima could turn his head, forcing the two boys into an actual lip-lock, rather than a simple peck. The two separated quickly and turned away awkwardly as various reactions could be seen: the girls screamed, Tamaki panicked, and Kanako looked slightly scandalized.

Haruhi placed a hand over his mouth. _I never really thought that I'd wind up giving my first kiss to another boy…_He turned to see Suzushima looking awkwardly at Kanako, who simply giggled. _But tonight was truly amazing…So I guess it's just as well. _He grinned. It wasn't like gender mattered to him anyway.

Now, to get Tamaki to stop whimpering…

* * *

><p><strong>ManicThrifts:<strong> Wow. That took longer than I thought to get up. Sorry guys.


	5. Chapter 5

**ManicThrifts::** HO DIO! Mi tiom bedaŭras! _Fiki._ Povas vi iam ajn pardonu min?

I meant to have this written ages ago, but I got distracted! Now it's Thursday afternoon (four as I write this) and I am almost upon finals week (next one). After that I have a free week and then two weeks of 'prep camp' (aka several advanced classes crammed into two weeks of 'camp'.)

Ho dio, my English doesn't make much sense here, does it? I have been operating barely on caffeine and noodles. My brain is long sense fried and I no longer try and keep sentences straight. It does not help that the piĉoj in my classes are not easy to be around. Especially the putino that speaks so obnoxiously in my history period. (Ho dio, that has a green line. That means it is wrong grammar, non?) As well, I grew frustrated at my art class today to the point of yelling "_Diablo manĝu!" _as left. Not I good manners, but who should care.

Ho dioj. We should move on. No worries about my mistakes, as I will be more cautious of the words that are significant.

* * *

><p>"<em>This exquisite private school, Ouran Academy, is a paradise to the common man: sparing no expense in keeping anything and everything we have of the highest class. Our prestigious ways therefore make us known by two standards; first, distinguished families, respected by rich and poor alike, and second, those graced with great<em>_wealth. As is obvious, such fortunate people often find themselves with minimally busy schedules. Thus, this host club is created for one purpose: gentlemen who wish to spend their excess time keeping company with similarly unoccupied young ladies…while consequently profiting from them. So we welcome everyone to join in the festivities of this unique and classy gathering-the Ouran High School Host Club!"_

"Welcome ladies!"

This 'unique and classy gathering' of the Ouran High School Host club was, in fact, that- unique and classy.

You see, as Haruhi was quickly learning; Tamaki, with all his exuberance, was very much the opportunist. So when Kyouya _happened_ to mention that the cherry blossoms were to be blooming soon, Tamaki jumped at the chance to slip outside and enjoy the sakura trees' lovely pink display.

And, of course, Tamaki couldn't seem to do anything halfway. He couldn't just bake his cake and eat it; it had to be the most elaborate, beautiful cake you'd ever seen. Even if he had to ice it in blood.

Haruhi scrunched up his forehead. Okay, so maybe that metaphor hadn't gone as planned. But the_ idea_ was there.

What he was trying to say was, as usual, Tamaki spent more money on costumes for a single day that Haruhi had spent on clothes in his life. The twins, Kyouya, and Tamaki were dressed impeccably, in white shirts, plain slacks, and black vests. Over these, they wore waiter's aprons. Haruhi, Mori, and Honey wore yukatas. Haruhi's was a deep fuchsia colour; Mori's, dark blue; and Honey's, pale lavender.

Haruhi had developed a strange fascination with the obi sash around his waist. It was real silk, something he'd found somehow typical; and extremely soft, as well as gorgeous. It was pale pink, embroidered with dark fuchsia flowers. He had run his fingers over it so many times in the past hour that he was sure he could find every flower without looking. He considered testing this, but refrained due to the fact that he was surrounded by women, all seemingly watching him.

Suddenly, a small weight knocked into his side. He panicked for a moment- _Did I run into someone? Did they drop something? Will that add to my debt? Did it spill on the obi?_ Shaking off that last thought, he looked down, letting out a small breath of relief at the sight of soft blonde hair. It was Honey.

"Haru-chan! Want to come eat snacks with me and Takashi?" He grinned. "The two ladies who requested us were saying how cool you were, so I came to get you!"

_Me? Cool? Are you buying this, Father? _Haruhi thought. Not to say he had terribly low self-esteem or anything, but…he was in a woman's yukata. And he was practically in love with it. That doesn't fit most people's definition of 'cool.' _Or did it?_ Haruhi pondered. He hadn't ever really kept up with things like that.

He pulled himself from his musings to voice his consent to Honey. The small boy said something in response that Haruhi didn't really hear, and dragged the taller boy along.

_Father, why do I have the feeling something is off today?_

* * *

><p>As Haruhi was dragged along by a sweet-loving blonde, the club's young "King" sat at a table, far from the cross dresser.<p>

"So, in which cup would my princess like her tea?" A soft, melodious voice drifted above the chatter of the flower viewing reception. "The Foley? The Werster? Or perhaps the Susie Cooper Gardenia?"

"B-beautiful…" The maiden beside Tamaki stuttered out. "These are all English antiques, aren't they? Which one do you prefer?"

"Which cup?" He smiled lightly, tilting her chin up with one hand. "Well, none of them could compare to my princess, of course."

"Oh wow, I don't know what to say…"

To the women awaiting their turn, this site invoked a mixture of emotions, both pleasant and otherwise. However, these women were easily distracted by a similarly pleasing sight- the Hitachiin twins.

"You mean you've never been to Covent Garden?" Kaoru's voice could be heard from a table not too far from Tamaki's.

"No…" One of the two ladies who had requested the twins muttered, sheepishly. "All of our antiques are from Portobello Road."

"I think you'd like Covent Garden." Hikaru said. "Most of our Victorian antiques are from there."

Whatever response the girl had brewing was cut off by the sound of glass clacking together, followed by a cry of pain. Hikaru spun around to see his brother, Kaoru; gripping his hand, where he'd burned himself with the tea he'd just spilt.

"Kaoru!" Hikaru lunged for his brother's hand, bringing it to his lips for a gentle kiss. The two girls leaned forward, eager to witness the fleeting moment between the two. "Honestly, Kaoru." Hikaru murmured. "You have to be more careful. From now on, eyes on me, okay?"

"Yes, Hikaru." Kaoru responded, barely more than a whisper.

One of the girls- one with long brown hair baring a purple flower- spun around, beleaguered. "I can't take it! It's too overwhelming!"

"You have to watch this!" The other girl argued. "You may never get a second chance! Who knows when their next moment will be?"

"You're absolutely right, Mademoiselle." Kyoya's smooth voice cut in. The tall man slid up to the table, all poise and grace, with a small smile on his face hinting that he found them vaguely amusing. "All beauty is fleeting. From the men you request, to the cherry blossoms we gathered today to see, which will never be as vibrant again." His smile twisted, forming a sort of smirk. "Which is precisely why photographs were invented- capturing the ephemeral beauty of life. Coincidentally, I've compiled picture books of each passing day. Of all the members, I might add. If you're interested in the full set, I'll discount them for you."

As the two girls lunged, thrusting their money into the businessman's hands and taking the books, the twins pondered from afar.

"I suppose we know how the club makes extra money now." They mused in unison.

"I have to wonder, though…" Hikaru muttered.

"_When did he take pictures of us?"_

* * *

><p>Haruhi watched as Honey hunched over a bowl, furiously mixing the greenish liquid it contained.<p>

_Should I say something to him?_

The boy was saved as, a moment later; Mori picked up on what they were all thinking, and leaned forward. "Mitsukuni, you overdid it." He said simply.

_He told him!_

Honey froze, staring down into a bowl containing barely any liquid. His eyes shone with tears.

Immediately, one of the girls' hands shot out and grabbed the bowl. "I'll take it! It looks so yummy!"

The other girl easily picked up the cover. "It's just enough for both of us- any more would be too much! How did you know?" She laid it on thick. "You never cease to amaze me.

"Really?" Honey perked up.

_These girls would probably get along well as hosts._ Haruhi couldn't help but think, his mind wandering to Tamaki. He pursed his lips. What was with_ that_ thought process? He made several decisions at once: He needed out, he needed air, he needed space, and he needed to get _away _from this stupid club.

He excused himself and slipped off to a small clearing in the middle of some trees. He had a few moments to breathe in peace before he was interrupted by a voice.

"Haruhi." The boy turned to see Tamaki, posed in a way that alerted Haruhi to the distinct possibility of an oncoming flamboyant speech. "How are you doing?" The king continued. "Having a good time?"

"Tamaki-sempai…"

"The flower viewing reception is goin over quite well." He said, lifting a hand lightly to catch a falling petal. He closed his hand around it, turning to the shorter boy. "But even so, it's rather daunting to spend more time being admired than doing the admiring."

Haruhi stared at the older boy in disbelief. "Uh-huh. Wow, sempai, you're blooming in more ways than one."

"You noticed!" Tamaki exclaimed, his princely demeanor vanishing. "Yes! Today my beauty is quite splendorous! I'm in full bloom!"

_This guy takes missing the point to a whole new level. I swear, it's like he isn't even aware of the hardships of this world…_

Tamaki winked. "I bet you'll fall for me soon!"

_What. _Haruhi's eyes widened. _Did he- Was that- Did he really just- WHAT?_

Luckily, the boy was saved for the second time that day by the Hitachiin brothers. Of course, they were pretty equally unnerving creatures, especially since they seemed to be especially touchy-feely at the moment, holding Haruhi's hands and shoulders as though he were a customer.

"So, Haruhi," They began. "Have you picked your electives for this term?"

"How about conversational French?" Kaoru suggested.

_Wasn't Tamaki French? Or something like that? _Haruhi frowned at his own thought. "I don't know, guys…" He responded honestly. He didn't particularly like that class, but didn't really have any other preferences. He liked a few of his base courses; like Classic Japanese, English, and World History; but he didn't particularly care for electives.

"I think the three of us should take it together." Hikaru said. "It makes perfect sense…we are in the _same class_." Haruhi furrowed his brow. _What were they up to…?_

Tamaki, meanwhile, was having a revelation. "Say…Mommy dear?"

Kyoya smirked, ceasing movement of his pencil momentarily. "What's wrong now…_Daddy?"_ His voice betrayed a tinge of amusement at the term.

"I have a new theory. Granted, it may just be me overreacting, but…it seems that by being in the same class, the twins get to spend more time with Haruhi then me." He frowned. "This gives them the chance to get close to him- and if that happens-…"

"Tamaki." Kyoya chided, cutting off the impending rant. "You're just now figuring this out?"

Tamaki's reaction was to flail about in shock, obviously not expecting his suspicions to be confirmed.

Of course, Kyoya being Kyoya, he continued. "According to my research, the twins spend roughly nine hours of class time with Haruhi. You're with him for a couple hours of club activity; most of which, may I remind you, is taken up by guests." He grinned. "In otherwords, you make up only about 3% of Haruhi's life-…"

"I don't want to hear it!" Tamaki interrupted. He lunged for the fuchsia-cloaked boy. "Listen Haruhi! I want you to stop hanging around those shady twins!"

"Who're you calling shady?" Hikaru protested.

"Yeah!" Kaoru chimed in. "Look at yourself, boss!"

"Yes…that's it…" Tamaki backed up. He steeled himself, slamming one fist into his opposite hand. "We can't go on hiding the fact that you're a boy any longer!" His 'threatening' demeanor faded instantly, replaced with a pout. "All Daddy wants is for you to go back to the way you were! For you to get a girlfriend, or maybe become a real host!" He began to shake the freshman. "So do it! Change back now!"

"You don't have to rush things, he'll be found out soon enough." Hikaru cut in, boredly.

"Physical exams are the day after tomorrow." Kaoru reminded the king.

"Physical…exams?" Haruhi frowned.

"That's right…" Kyoya murmured. "I forgot all about it."

The club members all looked to Haruhi. The boy put a hand to his chin.

"Then…that means…" He pursed his lips. "There's no doubt." He looked up at them. "They're gonna know I'm really a boy."

* * *

><p><strong>ManicThrifts<strong>: Oh, this is terrible! I do not like this chapter at all. Part two will be more thought upon. The problem is that this week is prep week for final exams, next week is exams, the next is the last few finals and events, and then I have two weeks at another school for a prep camp! So if I do not post tomorrow or this weekend, expect to wait about a week and a half! (That does not look right to me. Is it? There are no green lines. I am terribly sorry for this, but it is late now and I am tired, and my finals are draining.)


	6. Chapter 6

**ManicThrifts:** I REALLY NEED TO DO MORE FOR THIS STORY.

I'm on break at the moment, off for Thanksgiving (so they say, I've yet to see anything for this holiday and it's Tuesday already), so I have a lot of time to write.

I think I'll start posting intermission stories, short little off-screen episodes to keep you interested. In the meantime, please answer the poll on my profile.

Also, this story has more pieces that I've thrown in that weren't in the anime. I want to start making the pairing and such, and begin digressing from the canon.

Thank you, enjoy reading! x

OoO

_The boy stood by the gates of the prestigious high school. He wore a pristine blue uniform that fit him perfectly. His short black hair framed his face, accenting both the masculine and feminine features. His eyes were wide, almost panicked, as he looked around. He clutched his books tighter to his chest. _

"_Haruhi?" Tamaki called. The boy's gaze snapped to the blonde man._

"_Sempai!" Haruhi ran over, pausing in front of Tamaki. "I've had so many confessions today…People won't stop staring…" _

"_They're staring because you're so handsome! You're beauty rivals my own!" _

_Haruhi blinked at his Sempai, a huge grin stretching across his features. "Really?"_

"_Indeed." Tamaki confirmed. "You are a true gem." He extended a hand to the shorter boy. "Shall we be off? The club can't run without its king, after all."_

_Haruhi took the hand. "King and…" Haruhi searched for the word. "Consort?" _

_Tamaki laughed. "That seems about right."_

OoO

Tamaki sat in a chair in the club room, lost in his silly daydreams. Honey and Hikaru stood beside him, watching the grin that stretched across his features as he made short humming sounds to himself; completely out of it.

"He must be having a great daydream." Honey mused.

"He's kind of creeping me out." Hikaru responded.

Unfortunately, that last statement had hit the King's brain just as the daydream ended, and the blonde leaped to his feet. "Envious, Hikaru? This is all part of my scheme! Why you've stewed in your jealousy, I've foreseen the outcome of this charade!" Tamaki spun around, hands extended. "We have obviously found ourselves within a BL drama! Haruhi and I being the main characters, of course."

"Yeah?" The twins cut in. "Then what are we?"

"It's a BL drama! That makes you boys the equally homosexual supporting cast!" Tamaki drew a line on the ground. "So please do not step across this line."

"You've got to be kidding." The Hitachiin brothers said in unison.

"Hey, boss?" Hikaru began. "Listen…"

"I don't think you get it." Kaoru continued.

"If word gets out that Haru-chan is really a boy," Honey continued. "He won't be our hostess anymore!" He tilted his head. "But, if Haru-chan dressed like a boy, I think he'd be even cuter!"

"He dressed like a regular boy in middle school, right?" Hikaru observed. "He must've been popular with the ladies!"

"Yeah." Kyoya confirmed. "According to my investigative report, someone would confess their undying love for him at least once a week."

"So the boss wouldn't even be able to get close to him?" Hikaru summed up. "He might even get beat out of his top spot."

"But we'd still have class with him." Kaoru pointed out. "So we could be his friends at least."

Tamaki had heard enough. "No way…"

The door opened, revealing Haruhi. "Hey guys, sorry I'm so late-…"

He was interrupted by Tamaki grabbing his shoulders for the second time that day. "Don't you worry, Haruhi!" He yelled. "We'll protect your secret! No one will know you're really a boy during the exams! So please stay our hostess! Promise!"

Haruhi blinked. "…Sure."

"You know what?" Hikaru said, turning to his brother. "I think both of us would be irritated if we had to watch all those girls go for him."

"That settles it." Kaoru nodded.

OoO

**Operation: Conceal Haruhi's Gender**

**(Also known as Operation: I Swear, Haruhi Is A Girl!) **

"Listen up, squad members!" Tamaki barked. "At tomorrow's physical exams, position yourselves in formation A, and then, wait for your orders!"

"Yessir!"

Haruhi watched in confusion, before it clicked. "I've got it!" The club members turned to him. "You're worried if I'm found out, I can't be a hostess; so I can't pay back my debt, right? No worries! I mean, I could become a regular host…But I don't know how I'd do. Or maybe some of your girls would think it's cool- I mean, they like Hikaru and Kaoru's…oddness." He chuckled to himself.

"Do something!" The twins hissed at Tamaki. "The subject doesn't appear to have any motivation!"

"Why'd we get stuck with such a difficult hero…?" He spun around to face Haruhi. "Are you saying that you hate being our hostess?! That you hate what this club does for you?!"

"To be honest, I'd have to say yes." Haruhi deadpanned.

Tamaki slinked off to his corner to mope.

"I mean, it isn't bad. But, if it gets out I'm a boy and I can't do it anymore, there's nothing I can do."

"He doesn't seem to care one way of the other." Hikaru observed.

"Well, before we do anything else, we need to find a way to motivate him."

Mori brought a hand to his chin. "…Fancy tuna."

Haruhi froze.

Tamaki looked up from his corner. "Oh, that's right…He didn't get any at the party."

"Did you hear that?" Hikaru whispered to his brother, loud enough for Haruhi to hear. "He's never had fancy tuna."

"Talk about a difficult childhood." Kaoru replied in a pitying tone.

"If only Haru-chan could stay our hostess." Honey observed. "Tons of people would want to give him things, since he makes such a sweet girl. He could try all kinds of new foods!"

"D-don't be silly…" Haruhi tried to wave off their comments. "Just because I'm poor and I've never had it doesn't mean I'm such a glutton I would go on lying about my gender just to try some fancy tuna…" He gave a nervous laugh that quickly faded off. _Damn my love of food…._ "Would I really get to try it?" He asked weakly.

_Operation: Conceal Haruhi's Gender is a go._

OoO

"_We will begin conducting physical examinations shortly. All students please report to your respective school building."_

Haruhi glanced up as the pleasant voice filled the air. He stood from his chair in his classroom, watching the twins follow suit and make their way towards him. Together, the trio followed the masses on their way to their examination building. They had been assigned to one towards the front of the school- second to the left from the small pond that Haruhi immediately associated with Tamaki and jealous girls. As it was a somewhat long walk, Haruhi had plenty of time for questions.

"So…" He began. "What's the deal with this whole 'formation A' thing you guys were going on about?"

"Oh, don't worry about that." Hikaru shrugged off. Haruhi watched the redhead for a moment, before deciding it would be better to just let it go than to try to prompt an explanation.

"Alright then…" He brought a hand to his mouth awkwardly. "What do you do during physical exams here at Ouran, anyway?"

"It's no different than a physical exam you'd get at any other school," Hikaru said.

"Yeah," Kaoru picked up. "Why should it be any different for us because we're rich?"

Haruhi chuckled at himself. "You're right, I didn't think about it that way." Upon noticing they'd arrived at the exam room, he stepped ahead of the twins to open the door.

Haruhi's jaw dropped. Behind the door was a long hall, lined on one side with nurses and the other with doctors. "Welcome, students!" they spoke cheerily in unison.

"Wh-What_ is_ all this?" Haruhi stuttered.

"Just another physical exam," Hikaru responded, walking past him.

"The usual," Kaoru finished, following his brother.

"The _usual_?" Haruhi echoed in disbelief, trailing behind them.

A pair of nurses stepped forward. "Excuse me, Hitachiin brothers," The first nurse began.

"Follow me this way to have your height measured," the other nurse finished.

_What the hell. _Thought Haruhi, as the twins gave an affirmative and allowed the nurses to guide them.

"Ms. Fujioka?" A nurse interrupted his musing. "I'm your nurse for the physical exams this afternoon."

"Uh…okay…" The nurse apparently took that as permission enough to do as she wished, because she grabbed him by the wrist and began to drag him down the hall. As he stumbled along behind her, he heard perplexed whispering to his side. He looked over in confusion to see Mori and Honey, dressed completely in doctor getup- coats, glasses, ties, and all. Honey even had a clipboard. Haruhi wondered briefly if he had stolen it from Kyoya. This thought, however, was quickly deemed irrelevant as Kyoya himself appeared at his side, beloved clipboard still in hand.

"I've got those two on backup, just in case something happens."

"They aren't doing a good job with the disguises." Haruhi mused. "They're completely obvious. And why are they dressed like doctors, anyway?"

"They're just helping to set the mood." Kyoya responded lightly. "Disguises make our operation feel like a real espionage mission."

_You've got to be kidding me…_

A loud bout of clapping and squealing directed Haruhi's attention to the other side, where a doctor and a few nurses were praising a girl over her weight loss. "Isn't it kind of weird that all these doctors are so nice and jovial?"

"It's by design." Kyoya replied. "They're all hand-chosen by the school's chairman. This may be a school, but above that it's a business." He shrugged nonchalantly. "It's to keep the students happy. After all, most of them come from prestigious families with their own private doctors at home, so this…is just a formality."

_These damn rich people…_

As Haruhi slinked off down the hall, a man stumbled past him, bumping into Kyoya along the way. "Ah," the man turned around, revealing a scraggly beard and generally disheveled appearance. "I'm sorry."

"No problem…" Kyoya murmured back, examining the man. As the strange person hurried off, Kyoya tilted his head in thought. "Huh."_ Odd._

OoO

Some ways down the hall, a young nurse appeared. "Hitachiin brothers," she caught their attention with a smile. "Would you please come this way? Step behind this curtain. We're ready for your chest measurements."

"Doesn't matter to me," Hikaru droned, already shrugging off his shirt right there in the hall.

"We're not shy, so the curtain's pretty useless." Kaoru explained, undoing his own shirt buttons. His eyes flicked towards his brother, scanning him for a second before continuing undressing himself. Haruhi twitched. _Was he just considering helping his Hikaru undress, or..? _The dress clad boy crossed his arms over himself defensively, deciding he'd spent far too long with this group of questionable people to be healthy. He looked up at Kyoya, who seemed both amused, and completely used to this situation.

Kyoya smiled at Haruhi's obvious confusion. "See? Rather impressive turnout today. Physical exam day is quite popular."

Haruhi drug a hand over his face. _What the hell is the matter with the girls in this school? Even better, why did I think _being one_ would be_ fun?

He heard giggles, and swallowed back the instinct of _don'tlookdon'tlookdon'tlook_ to turn to the Hitachiins. Sure enough, they were invading each other's personal space, whispering things about _touching_ and_ jealousy _and _playing doctor._ Haruhi made a strangled noise in the back of his throat, almost grateful when he felt himself being grabbed and dragged away- a cause for panic if it hadn't 1) already happened today and 2) been Honey and Mori.

He was pushed into a curtain, with a cry of "This way, Haru-chan!" from Honey, and fell backwards into someone's chest. Hands wrapped around him from behind, settling across his waist, making him feel infinitely smaller with the way the arms were able to fit all the way past their opposite arm's elbow. He was reminded vaguely of the little girl who lived next to him, and the doll she always carried.

A head landed on his shoulder, and a voice mumbled into his ear, "I've been waiting, Prince."

Haruhi froze up, stomach turning and face going red as he recognized the voice. "T-Tamaki…" He pushed from the arms, stumbling forward and tripping as he turned to face his 'boss.' He stumbled, grabbing one of Tamaki's arms and his own dress to balance himself from both sides. "Don't do that!"

"Aw! You're cute when you're surprised!" Tamaki gushed, grinning. _This man is not sane._

Haruhi gave him a sour look, interrupted when a soft voice from behind him spoke up. "Miss Fujioka? It's time to take your weight and measurements. If you'd please step this way?"

Kyoya poked his head in through the fold in the back of the curtain, opposite the direction the nurse's voice had come from. "We have a doctor on standby who's been informed of your situation. You have your own special, separate 'girls' clinic. If anyone finds out about the arrangement, they'll assume you have a special health issue, or, more likely, something to do with your social status made you separate from the normal exam area."

"Turns out, all the doctors here work for Kyoya's family." Hikaru shrugged.

"Would've been nice if he'd have told us," Kaoru said. "Tamaki's plan was to send somebody out dressed like you and hope it goes. Kyoya stopped us at the last minute and said to just bring you here and leave it to him."

Haruhi glared at Tamaki, before directing his attention to Kyoya instead. "Smart idea."

Kyoya shrugged, nonchalant, before smirking. "I just don't feel I'm _supporting cast_- 'equally homosexual' or otherwise."

Tamaki whimpered. Haruhi almost felt bad for him_- almost._

Haruhi slipped off in the direction he was pointed, happy to finally get his exam over with. Meanwhile, Tamaki draped himself drastically across the shoulders of the twins.

"Haruhi's _angry_ with me."

The members of the club shot each other looks, all equally sickened by Tamaki at this point.

"Hey boss," Hikaru laughed. "What happens if you and Haruhi date?"

His brother easily picked up his train of thought. "Can we have your customers?"

Tamaki may have cried.

OoO

AN: I'm going to go ahead and post this, and do the pervert doctor in the next part. I'll go back to two parts per episode after that.


	7. Chapter 7

**Sorry for the space issue, and the fact I didn't type out all the lines: I did this one in an email draft because my new laptop has no Word. **

Shortly after Haruhi was gone from the tent, the boys headed off, wandering down the halls bickering over who had right to whose customers if that host were ever to quit. Kyoya stayed silent, the only one with enough sense to realize it would be up to the ladies.

The boys' bickering was pierced by a loud cry of "I'm telling the truth!" from behind them. They all turned, looking to the source- a female student, curled on the ground, surrounded by doctors, nurses, and fellow students who'd gathered to find out the reason for her upset. "One of the doctors grabbed me while I was walking past!" She was sobbing. "He was trying to make a pass at me! I swear! I'd never been so terrified!"

Over the chorus of "Poor girl"s and "How scary"s, Kyoya spoke up. "I had a feeling this would happen."

The other hosts turned to him.

"Huh?" Honey tipped his head up at the taller male. "What do you mean?"

"I saw a man earlier, wearing a white labcoat but clearly not one of our doctors." Kyoya explained. "I thought it was a little strange..."

The twins stared blankly at him. "Don't you think you should have mentioned that earlier?"

Kyoya shrugged. "It's not that big a deal. I'm sure security will catch him-"

A doctor's voiced pierced through Kyoya's once more. "Did you happen to see which way the pervert doctor went?"

"Mmhm." The girl choked back. "Special girls clinic." She wrinkled her nose. "Sicko."

The boys all froze, the same thought coming to each of them at the same time: Haruhi!

OoO

Haruhi followed the directions of the nurse, slipping behind a curtain to undress. Screw the twins' outlook on exams, he was going to take advantage of the privacy when he got it. He had his dress undone and was going to drop it when he heard the curtain shift. He turned to see a man in a labcoat, hunched forward and peeking out the curtain.

"Uh...Excuse me..."

The man turned around, eyes going wide before he surged out, clasping his hand over Haruhi's mouth. "Please! It's not what you think! _Please_ just keep quiet."

There was a shout of "Haruhi!" in a voice to theatrically obnoxious to be anyone's but Tamaki's, and the man turned to look over his shoulder with an expression of pure terror.

_Yeah, _thought Haruhi, _I get that feeling when I hear that voice sometimes, too. _

A moment later, Tamaki flew through the curtain, slamming into labcoat-guy (or so Haruhi had dubbed him in his mind) and knocking him to the ground.

The other members filed in after, each one dropping a quote as they came through. First were the twins with "Good looks that attract the public eye," then Kyoya with "More wealth than you can imagine," and finally, Mori and Honey with "Chivalry that shall never overlook the wickedness of the world." Finally, they all surrounded him with a shout of "That's what makes up the Ouran High School Host Club!"

Pretty impressive, Haruhi had to admit. And necessary, since he'd been going this whole time thinking they were just stuck-up, spoiled brats with huge egos. Good to set the record straight.

Haruhi stared in wonder as the man begged for forgiveness, instantly pouring out his life story. He was a poor doctor, whose wife had left him and taken their daughter, and he was trying to find and visit her. His sob story had everyone staring with quirked eyebrows and a desperate urge to yell "Get to the point," excluding only Tamaki, who was moved to actual tears. Haruhi wasn't sure which man was more pathetic. He opted for the tall blonde who was standing beside him, crying about a man thinking it was okay to waltz into a school unannounced and manhandle a random girl to ask her about his daughter. After all, this same man had dropped his shirt over Haruhi for no apparent reason at all during their Epic Introduction Speech (which he granted capital letters because, well, it obviously worked on Yabu the Quack Doctor).

The next few minutes were rather... anti-climatic. Kyoya pointed out that Dr. Yabu had the wrong school the whole time ("The child of such a small time doctor could never afford Ouran Academy," he says. Somebody's getting bad biscuits and instant coffee tomorrow), and the twins mocked his parenting as Tamaki arranged for him to get a map and some decent directions in a rare selfless act.

Later, as they were seeing him off, the twins cracked, finally turning to Tamaki and questioning him. "You sure about this, Boss?" Hikaru asked Tamaki.

Kaoru nodded, continuing from his brother's question as per usual. "After all, she may not even want to talk to him."

"Well then," Tamaki replied lightly, voice soft. "That's something he'll have to find out for himself."

Haruhi couldn't explain his reaction to that. Eyes wide, heart beating fast, and a sudden, desperate urge to get everyone out of the room.

Except, perhaps, for Tamaki.

"I-I'm sorry about this, guys, but..." Haruhi tipped his head up slightly, trying to calm down. What the hell are you doing, Haruhi? So he actually does have a heart. You're acting like one of the girls these guys serve...stop it. You need a break from this club, it's messing with your head. "Could you please leave?" He asked.

Everyone seemed immediately offended. "Haruhi?" Tamaki asked, sounding panicked. "Are you still angry with me?" Before Haruhi could get out a_ "No, idiot,"_ Tamaki continued. "You're not thinking of quitting the host club, are you?!"

Haruhi couldn't help but laugh. "Don't be stupid, sempai- I've just got to finish my exam." He turned to grin at Tamaki. "As a female student, of course. And let me be clear on this- I'm not doing this because I'm being bribed by food and clothes and whatever else." He looked Tamaki dead in the eyes for a moment before shutting them in an even wider grin. "I'm doing it to pay back my debt."

Tamaki paused for a moment, staring at Haruhi before launching at him, enveloping him in a huge hug. Haruhi swallowed before flailing about- he really_ did_ need to finish his physical exam, and he was never going to at this rate. "I can see right through you!" Tamaki yelled. "I know you just like the clothes and want that fancy tuna, but you're so cute!"

Haruhi tried to squirm away before a hand landed somewhere that was definitely the last straw for his sanity, and he pushed the taller off of him. "Hey, don't touch me there! Cut it out!"

The twins grinned, calling out in a sing-song tone: "Red Card! Look's like Tamaki's the real pervert!"

Haruhi threw his hands up. "Who cares? Would you guys just get out of here?!" Laughter was his only response. Shortly after, the men did file out, pushed along by an impatient nurse who was ready to begin.

Just another day for the Ouran High School Host Club.


	8. Chapter 8

In a dark room, clutching the controller of a game console and flicking through screens of a dating sim, was a young boy named Renge Houshakuji. He skipped through screen after screen of girl, landing on a clip of his "best friend" figure in the game: Miyabi.

Oh, Miyabi. If he could edit the plot of the game just a little. He had another game like this one somewhere, designed for girls, with him as the main interest, but when he's calling you a lady all the time it's just not the same.

His maid poked her head into the room. "Sir? Your mother is home..."

He paid her no mind, choosing instead to answer Miyabi's question. He wish there was an option to tell him_ sorry she's so rude, interrupting like that_, but there wasn't.

Maybe next game.

Only a couple of clicks later, the door creaked back open. His mother. "Renge?" After a moment, she sighed. "You certainly love those games of yours, don't you?"

Renge didn't glance from the screen. "Is that so wrong?"

"No, not at all!" His mother backtracked quickly. "As your mother, I want to enable you to live your life as you please! I always have and always will let you do anything you like. I like you to have freedom!"

Renge acknowledged this with a mumbled "Yes," and she accepted that response enough to close the door- but not without offering an invitation to tea.

"How was business in Japan?" Renge asked, taking a drink of his tea.

"It went well. I even had dinner with one of my clients." She smiled at him. "I made sure to get a photo for you," she said, handing said item over.

. . .

_Miyabi._

_Oh, as fate would have it. _

His mother was talking about him, but he only registered two words: high school.

...You could transfer high schools, couldn't you?

"It's him," he muttered. He slammed a hand on the table, holding it out for his mother. "My future best friend/possible boyfriend."

His mother was shell shocked. "What?"

Renge grinned. "You promised me I could do whatever I want, remember? I'll go pack."

"Ooh, Tamaki...why are you so beautiful?" Came the high voice of one of the Prince's patrons that day.

"I'm hoping to catch your eye," he offers smoothly. "If only for one single second."

"Then why is your voice so sweet and mellow?" Asked another, gently.

"To ease your nerves, so your heart can find my true feelings."

"Why are your eyes filled with tears every time you look at me?"

Okay, what? Haruhi couldn't resist any more- he looked. Sure enough, Tamaki was having an over-the-top little montage of "perfect man" moments.

What a phony.

"Because the sight of your beautiful smile overflows the fountain inside me!"

The girls were fawning over him thanks to that, so Haruhi looked elsewhere. The twins, he quickly realized, were a bad target.

"Your matching kimonos are adorable!" One of their two patrons pointed out.

Hikaru nodded. "Our mother designed all the outfits. If you see something you like, let us know and we'll take an order."

Kaoru smiled brightly. "Our grandmother even helped us dress!"

Hikaru took that moment to give his brother a devilish smirk and make some comment about _undressing_ him, which in turn got Kaoru flustered and..those were tears. Goddammit. Was something in the water today?

His irritation at the act must have broken the little spell of peace he'd had, because two girls came up to him then. "Haruhi! Your kimono is so adorable!"

"Thanks," he said, about to offer them something - tea, food, a seat; he was working on it! - when Kyoya decided that something on the dreaded clipboard required the resident hostess's opinion and called him over.

"Yes?"

"You've had a steady flow of new customers," Kyoya informed him. "Since I'm not charging you the usual interest, keep this up and you should be able to pay it off."

_Called it. _

"Though the rental fee on that kimono you're wearing..." _Dammit. You're some sort of soulless, wicked tax collector inside, aren't you Kyoya?_ "...It's nothing to sneeze at."

Haruhi was about to walk away when he noticed some girls coming up to ask about picture books. The twins' attention was also caught when Kyoya said no, there would not be anymore picture books, as far as they'd planned.

"Doesn't the club make a lot of money from promotional items?" They asked.

"Yes," oh God. He'd going through the papers. He's bringing out photos. This is not going to end well. "But all the pictures we got were hidden camera shots." He spread out a handful of them. "They're all very low quality."

_Maybe they should do a calendar. They're self obsessed enough. _

_Tamaki would be on the cover. _

Haruhi shook his head. Where had that come from?

Shit, he's got a calculator. "If we wanted to produce higher quality products, we'd have to draw from the school's budget..." Even the twins slunk off at this point. Haruhi realized then that, despite the fact that business-Kyoya (or, full time Kyoya, he supposed) could be almost as insufferable as any other member's worst schtick, the club needed him just to avoid being bankrupt.

Still, couldn't he just invest in a PDA?

"HARU-CHAN!" Crying really is the name of the game today, isn't it? Haruhi looked over to Honey as he came up, rubbing at one of his eyes while he weeped. "I don't know how, but I lost one of my sandals!"

_He's really cute... until I remember he's older than me._ "But you were just wearing them, weren't you?"

Mori saved the day then, getting Honey's attention and helping him put his lost sandal back on. "I noticed you dropped it."

"TAKASHI!"

There was more sobbing as the two girls who had been talking to him looked on in awe.

"How are they all crying so easily?" Haruhi muttered. He started to back away from the scene, but bumped into someone- one of the twins, it seemed. Haruhi turned to apologize, only to see something hit the floor- eyedrops.

_These damn rich brats. _

"For your information," Kaoru said as Haruhi picked up the bottle. "Those are common for use."

"No woman alive could resist a man on the verge of tears!" Hikaru added. Haruhi was pretty sure there was a word for that, but opted not to use it.

"That's cheating," he said instead.

"Don't be a party pooper!" Hikaru said cheerily, draping himself across the shorter boy's shoulders.

"Here, this is for you," Kaoru took over, plopping a small treat into Haruhi's hands.

The girls' interest was back to him. "You like sweets, Haruhi? I didn't know that!"

"To be honest, I don't," Haruhi said. "But...I think it would make a nice memorial offering."

The girls cooed, but Haruhi was distracted by Tamaki, as he suddenly appeared and started on a spiel. "So admirable! Such devotion to your Father's memory! Here, take mine. In fact, take as many as you like."

The other boys clapped, but Haruhi just glared. Tamaki's eyes were glistening. "Let me guess," he grit out. "The tears are fake."

Tamaki almost looked honestly offended. "How could you? My tears are always genuine! A true host doesn't need things like eye drops to assist him!" He cut off abruptly, leaning back to Haruhi and waving a hand to himself. "Do I impress you? Have you fallen for me yet?"

"You wish," Haruhi muttered, and wondered absently if any of the other hosts had to put up with this. Maybe Kyoya.

"My romantic overtures don't seem to be reaching you for some reason!"_ Because they're awful, Sempai. _"Perhaps I should add something to my character..."

Haruhi stopped listening. Someone was hovering by the door.

The others noticed her around the same time, and the twins took it into their own hands. "Looks like the host club has a brand new guest." They chimed. "A male one, too."

The moved to the door.

"Come on in, what're you waiting for?" Kaoru offered.

"Watching from afar is no fun." Hikaru added.

"Stop it," Tamaki cut them off. For the first time that day, Haruhi felt grateful to him- until he kept going. "Be more courteous to first time visitors. He turned to the boy, who leaned away. "You don't have to be scared. Welcome to the Ouran Host Club."

The boy hesitated for a second before pushing Tamaki back with a yell of, "Don't touch me! You're phony!"

Somehow, it seemed harsher when someone else said it.

Tamaki was horrified. "What do you mean I'm phony?"

The boy glared. "I find it very hard to believe that someone like you is in charge here! Don't go forcing your affection on everyone, stupid! You must be some sort of narcissist! Incompetent! Commoner! You're disgusting."

With each insult, Tamaki seemed to be questioning his entire life more and more. Haruhi wasn't entirely sure if he was glad someone besides him told the 'prince' off, or upset that he seemed to be...overdoing it.

Tamaki collapsed on the floor, and Kyoya inspected the boy carefully. "I don't suppose you are-"

"It's you!" The boy said, mood and personality suddenly turning on its side. "Kyoya! Oh, I've waited so long to meet you!" He walked straight across Tamaki, throwing his arms around the businessman of the host club and muttering into his jacket.

Haruhi wasn't optimistic about this.


End file.
